Tell Me What Ya Want, What Ya Really, Really, Want

(10 points to Gryffandor if you get that reference)

Have you ever had a lover say, “Tell me what you want”, while you were in bed (or whatever place you might find yourself naked and sexually entangled) together, or have you, yourself, asked this very question of a lover?

Here I am, this woman who has been lucky enough to learn the ins and outs of my sexuality fairly thoroughly;  I know what makes me tick, tock, and even KABOOM, and as I have explored along the way, I have also learned how to be comfortable enough with myself and my lover/s to ask for what I wanted.  It’s not an easy task to say the least, and it took time to get to that place.  It takes a real level of vulnerability that a lot of people just aren’t able to access, which can lead to amassing a collection of unsatisfying experiences.  But, hey we’ve all had those, so after awhile you just have to take that bull by it’s horns.

Knowledge is power, right?

But what if you ask for something that maybe the other person isn’t expecting to hear?  What if you ask for something that they’re just not into?

I have been lovers with a friend on and off for the better part of 17 years.  He’s known me since before I even knew what an orgasm with a partner was (the key words there being “with a partner”) when my “sexploration” was all new and shiny, and for the most part, uncharted territory,   It;s fairly safe to say that he came into my life just as I was about to embark on figuring out just who I was as a sexual creature.  In fact, I had my very first threesome _and_ my very first experience with a female lover, with him.  Ah, the memories…

Now, our sexual escapades together have been fairly low key as far as I’m concerned.  Stop laughing, the threesome I mentioned is mild compared to the meat of the journey…haha…but really, in truth, we’ve been fairly standard fare lovers with each other from that time out,  in light of where I have explored without him.    Recently, this year, he asked me “Tell me what you want….tell me what to do…”.

And then it happened; that awkward moment when I wished, in a moment of self-consciousness, that I could take my answer back.

“Do you like anal?”, I queried.  Silence.

“With the right person, and in the right moment”, he answered.

We have not spoken of it since.

And I knew that answer, which really is a “No”, before I even asked him.  I was caught in this moment that sounded like this in my head, “Oh, uh yeah, me either…just kidding….hee hee”, <covers face in embarrassment>  I knew that, because in all 17+ years of being lovers with him, he’s never “made a move”, nor implied in conversation, that he would like to add that to our sexual menu.  I, being the explorer, went out on a limb.

So, there is this stereotype that all men are just longing for the “so taboo” anal sex experience, and that they are always finding their female partners to be completely reluctant, if not totally against the idea of anything even remotely nudging the puckered pink door of their nether-regions.  And here I am, the apparently, female sexual anomaly, LOVING anal sex, now feeling more than mildly embarrassed for feeling so.

Ok, I get it, even I am picky about the circumstances of playing anally, but really, suddenly I was having this total feeling of school-girl embarrassment come over me, that I had not experienced for a long time.  And it’s not like we were new lovers, we had a rich sexual relationship.  The question here being more, “Why am I now embarrassed?”, more so than, “Why doesn’t he want to?”, because honestly, we all have those things that trip our triggers, and while that might be high on my list, it doesn’t mean it will be even be a blip on his radar.

Stereotypes may have some truth, but are not an across the board rule book, and that goes both ways.  There are men that love anal, men that don’t, women that love anal, and women that will strangle the shit out of you if you even dare think about trying it.

I am one of those rare exceptions, and I love it!

So, my intrepid sexplorers, remember this; “Tell me what you want”, is as difficult a question to answer, as it is to ask.  Have some respect for the vulnerability that it takes to answer, just as you would like for having done the asking.  And always, prepare to be surprised.

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2 comments

  1. The Phoenix Exultant · July 30, 2012

    How true. Even with long term lovers, broaching the subject of fantasies and even preferences is a vulnerable experience. So much of it is due to our indoctrination that sex is an inherently shameful act that we become afraid of what our partners might think if we are into something they are uncomfortable with. And gods forbid if you have a fantasy about a taboo scenario.

    • erogenousblog · August 5, 2012

      So true, Phoenix! When we can vibrantly and fully accept our own inclinations and desires it’s easier to be able to be open to and “hear”, our partners as well. It amazes me how sometimes even in the intimacy of our bedrooms, we’re still hiding from one another.

      Thank you for your comment!

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