Sometime back in September I had to walk away from a long-standing friendship with someone I love deeply.
Yes, love, not loved. I have not stopped loving him. If you believe in the existence of soul mates like I do, then you know what the kind of connection I share(d) is like. I don’t believe we have just one single soul mate, rather that we have multiple, and hopefully we meet them over the course of our lifetime if we are lucky. It doesn’t mean that everything that follows is like a fairy tale with a “happily ever after” ending. In fact, I think the heartbreak we sometimes suffer is the dragon in our storyline. Sometimes we win against the dragon, and sometimes, we lose.
In case you missed reading about what happened, you can read about it here.
This time last year was probably the closest we had ever been, and it’s stirring his memory in my heart now.
Here are the things I would say to him if I could.
- Tonight I am thinking about you because this is our weather; the early dark nights of fall turning to winter, the scent of earthen leaves at the end of their life drifts in the air, and the sting of November’s chill blowing crisp and cool against my cheeks.
- We should be sitting on the sofa in my living room decompressing from our days with a bottle of that Indian Wells Merlot we both love, and relaxing into some episode of Mad Men.
- I started my new job today. I know you would be proud of me. We both had quite the year of change career wise. We should be proud. I wonder how your new job is going. You could sell ice to an Eskimo. I’m sure you have already sold your first house.
- I left my husband last year, and I haven’t missed him for a day. Not a single minute. But I miss you. I even teared up just now writing that.
- I wish you had loved me enough to never have told me how you loved me. It makes me angry that you couldn’t just leave us the way we were. I could have stayed in the dark.
- It was selfish
- I saw this Bob Marley quote and thought of you: “The biggest coward of a man is to ignite the love of a woman he has no intention of loving”
- It was even more selfish to tell me it was “timing”, and then only really deeply hold me, truly hold me and whisper your love to me only when you thought I was sleeping. I woke up every time. I used to think of those moments as secret presents.
- What hurt the most is that you were the one who always said “You won’t be happy with them. They will never love you the way you need them to, the way you should be loved” And then you betrayed me too. I was supposed to be safe with you. I trusted you always to be my friend first.
- I hate you for taking my friend away from me, and for the boys and my daughter missing one another.
- I wonder what the woman you picked as “safe” for you is like. I’m not even jealous of her because I know how you keep your heart locked away.
- Secretly, I hope she is good to you because you deserve it, but I know you wouldn’t choose someone who would be.
- I miss Cherry Wheat Sam Adams, talking for 6 hours straight non-stop, and still having not finished all our trains of thought, and fucking on the sofa, in the bathroom, and your kisses. You knew how to kiss better than you knew how to be free.
- It’s too bad we couldn’t be back in that lifetime where we were on Cape Cod in our white center hall colonial.
- The sad truth is, even if we had ended up together, if you had loved me empty like that, kept me outside while inside, I would have left you too.
- Did you know you couldn’t really let me in even if you tried?
- Was it not being with me that was really you loving me? Sometimes I believe it was your way.
- I really didn’t like A Room With A View, and that feeling you had when you watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past? I know you feel it now in some corner of our heart.
- I know it hurt you when I said goodbye. I know you well enough to know that.
- I question all my feelings, and all the things you ever said.
- I’m glad I realized what was true before yours actions really damaged me.
- All of this sounds far away, foreign.
- Maybe it was me finding the shoe for myself all along.
- Day to day, I am not sad or missing you.
Truth is, of all of it, I just miss my friend. I wish I could have just kept my friend, but if you can’t trust someone, then the friendship is only an illusion. It would only be like holding on to the reflection in a mirror, like that one from Harry Potter that shows you your deepest desire. It wouldn’t be true.
You’re my deepest desire, but you are not real.