I was just writing a fun blog post on penis size, when I started listening to this Feist song, and it was instantly derailed. My heart can be so fickle.
Thoughts of my ex-FWB have been on my mind a lot lately, so much so that I have been dreaming as of late dreams that star him in various roles. That all started when I had recently been thinking of him more due to things going on in my personal life that I had been wishing I could have gone to him for advice or feedback on. I have to then remind myself why I needed to walk away from that friendship altogether, why it is healthier for me, even if at times a piece of me pangs for that friendship. Sometimes I can still feel the ghosts of us then walking around where I stand now. I remember my therapist telling me “I think it’s so unfair how he is with you, how he yo-yos”. The one simple sentence was the catalyst for me really acknowledging in my own heart how right she was, how unfairly he built my heart up, and tore me down.
If you love someone, confess you are and have always been in love with them, but have no intention of ever allowing that to happen, why bother telling the person in the first place? Why tell me? I didn’t need to know. I had acquiesced to my wondering. I had accepted not knowing. You were so cruel to confess your feelings to me. So selfish and self-serving. Why didn’t you just leave me alone? I hate you for doing that to me when you had no intention of loving me.
Oddly enough, I found this song earlier this week, and it stuck with me. These words, this stanza here, perfectly speaks to the heart of what it felt like in my heart
“Fill me up then pour me out
Therein lies the doubt.
We had the same feelings
At opposite times.”
“When a good man and a good woman
Can’t find the good in each other
Then a good man and a good woman
Will bring out the worst in the other
The bad in each other”