A Year Without Sex In My City

It’s been a long and quiet year for me as far as writing here goes, which has probably lead you all to believe that I was just another “pop and fizzle” blogger who was once passionate about writing, and writing about passion, only to have my effervescence go flat with either waning disinterest, or the laziness of allowing life to swallow my passion up and take my attentions elsewhere.

Well, neither of those could be further for the truth for me, and since the entire premise behind my blog here is unbridled truth, I’m breaking my silence.

One of the reasons I started this blog was help others feel less alone in their desires, to be a voice of sexual positivity, and a to be a champion of owning one’s sexuality and being proud of it.  And while there are many stigmas associated with being a woman who unapologetically and enthusiastically celebrates her love of sex, there are just as many stigmas around not having sex.

Ironically, in the first year of my decision to blog about my erotic life which has always been so vibrant, my recent erotic life has been anything but.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been one year and  3 1/2 months since I have had sex, and to me, that’s embarrassing to admit.  This is the longest amount of time in all of my sexually-active life that I have gone without having sex with a partner, and let me tell you, I am like a powder keg of sexual tension ready to ignite.  The next man I fuck had better have a mighty healthy heart because I’m going to hit his shores like Hurricane Katrina, and there will be no Red Cross in sight.  Explosions

Now it started out as an intentional thing.  I needed to avoid intimate relationships of any level just so I could focus on me because unfortunately, I have a past of losing myself in people, and putting myself last.  That was also not an intentional modus operandi, but it was something I eventually became aware of about myself through much introspection.  Well, introspection, and pattern recognition.  I kind of touched on my inner questioning about that in a post from earlier this year aptly called Musings of a Gun Shy Heart.  I needed time alone to work on me, which sounds so much like canned psycho-babble, but is really the most honest way to say it.  I needed to put me first without distractions that might throw me back into a way of being that was not working for me.

Well, that was all well and good.  Expectedly, and in some ways unexpectedly, my libido went from high, to low, and then completely did a disappearing act on me to the point where I was really getting concerned about myself.  I have a very strong libido, and although it ebbs and flows like everyone else’s, it’s never been nonexistent.   Honestly, that was pretty scary.  I should be in my sexual prime!  I started to begin to have more questions than I originally started with.  I thought maybe that my self-imposed drought had brought on a biological one.

There were a couple of times that I thought to write about that, but how can I be a sex blogger who isn’t having sex, let alone one who has the libido of a blueberry muffin?  As much as there is a judgement around being a whore by society if you’re a woman having lots of sex, there is as heavy a judgement about you if you aren’t having any; you must be unattractive, unwanted, discarded, or frigid.  I am by far none of those things, and even if the choice to not be intimate sexually (or otherwise) was my own, it didn’t make me unafraid of those judgements being cast upon me from people who don’t know my inner story.  It’s funny, in some ways I feared those judgements more than being thought of as a slut for having my sexuality being such a large part of my identity.

NOSEXAfter about a full year without having sex I told myself it was now ok to be open to meeting someone.  That was the end of July.  Now that I’m totally open to meeting someone though, I still have these anxieties plaguing my psyche around my “picker” being broken.  One, I need to make sure to put me first (my schooling, my goals, my homelike, my running, i.e. things that are good for me), and 2) I need to be real about what I am looking for.  By “be real” I mean really know and be honest with myself about what it is I am looking for in the short term and long term, be clear about what I expect from both of those types of choices, and not compromise on things I know I shouldn’t compromise on.

Luckily for me, that hide and seek libido was only temporary.  And not only did my sexual appetite reappear with a vengence, but I’ve also discovered, through some frank discussions and fun flirtations, that my more kinky desires were not totally extinguished either as I had once thought they had been!  Who doesn’t like surprises like that?  (Read Coffee, Sleeping Beauty, and BD/SM to get the backstory)  

That all being said, as much as I am just dying for some really great sex with intimacy (real connection is an essential component of great sex) you who have been reading this blog know, it takes more than someone who just looks hot to get my panties wet.  Case in point, Towel Boy.  (Hmm, did I blog about him?  If not, you can look forward to that story coming…ahem…soon.)  I love men with strong sexual prowess that matches my own, but I also need something to intellectually spark my desire, otherwise everything else is lost on me.  On occasion this can get me into trouble, trouble which I will lovingly nickname the “Don Draper” effect; an intelligent, sexually confident man, who is really completely emotionally unavailable.  That being said, I’m cautious.  I’m doing my best to not allow my hormones to get me into trouble. 

So there you have it, my blogging hiatus fully explained.  If you too are out there not having sex as much as you would like, either by choice or by happenstance, you’re not alone, and it doesn’t make you anything less than who you are: human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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8 comments

  1. Chin Up, Chest High! · November 15, 2013

    Thanks for this. I need to come back and read it from time to time.

    As a male in my late 30s, there are certain expectations: that most of my sexual partners are supposed to be already “conquered” (and I use that term disparagingly),. The fact is I have had one sexual partner in my life – my ex-wife – and sex was rare. We were together 5 years before we had sex. You might ask why I stayed with her so long.

    Firstly, I didn’t know any better

    Secondly… I feel there’s a certain level of guilt trip aimed at male sexuality – it is something disgusting to be despised in certain quarters. So I waited… and waited…. and waited.

    I sometimes take to thinking that it is “too late” for me to ever have a normal, healthy sex life with somebody else (whatever that is, because I haven’t experienced it yet). I also sometimes take to thinking that any woman I meet now is going to have certain expectations and will think I am a bit weird for having not had more sexual partners or at least have been at it all the time with my ex.

    • erogenoUSblog · November 24, 2013

      I think there is an even greater pressure aimed at men to be sexually active, and because of this, it must be even more difficult for you to share what you just shared. Men are applauded for having more sexual conquests, and women are more often than not, shamed for doing so. It was a brave act of you to share this, perhaps way more than for myself.

      Second, it’s never too late in life to try anything new! I do follow your posts, and I enjoy “eavesdropping” on your dating life. I totally enjoy the nicknames you give each woman (“Bookworm”, “Standoffish”). Even if you haven’t hit a home run yet in finding someone that you have a connection with, at least you are out there continuing the search despite disappointments. There is someone for everyone, this I believe to be very true, so don’t shortchange yourself or allow your insecurities to swallow your positivity. A healthy sex life is out there just waiting for you, and as soon as you find someone you’re comfortable playing around with, it will happen if you want it to. I’ll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you in your search!

      • Chin Up, Chest High! · November 25, 2013

        Thank you and I hope so 🙂

        A healthy sex life is out there just waiting for you, and as soon as you find someone you’re comfortable playing around with, it will happen if you want it to.

        It’s certainly long overdue!

  2. luminously · November 15, 2013

    coincidentally I have not had sex since last April, so I can sympathise with you. In a sense yes I do get plenty of “me” time, although I do miss sex at times. guess its a period of transition and self-discovery, which is always good! ^_^

    • erogenoUSblog · November 24, 2013

      And if you’re anything like me, your “me time” and self-discovery period involves a LOT of masturbation. 😉

  3. Thamyris · December 1, 2013

    Intellectual intercourse is a rare and powerful experience. I certainly agree–it takes more than flesh to arouse my mind. I hope to hear more of your quest.

    • erogenoUSblog · December 2, 2013

      It’s less “intellectual intercourse” and more sex with all of our senses engaged. I once heard someone define sex as “Spiritual Energy Exchange”, which although it sounds far too New Agey, is pretty much right on target. Thanks for reading and following me on my journey. I hope you enjoy the adventures as much as I am.

      • Thamyris · December 2, 2013

        I certainly am enjoying the journey, and I’m glad to have found you! I look forward to having my senses engaged. 😉

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