A Hand In The Bush Is Worth More Than Two Fingers

When I was 18 I had sex with my step brother.  I had just moved to NYC for college, and now that I was “legal”, the opportunity to make something long-flirted around, a reality, was too tempting to pass up.

Even though I had lost my virginity a few years earlier, with two different partners, I really had no real understanding of what good sex was, let alone how to be any “good” at it.  My parents never really talked to me about sex (whose really do), so my sexual education really came from watching soap operas and guessing, watching one porn film and wondering “Why?”, and then filling in the blanks with anything else sexually stereotypical the pre-internet media wanted to share with me.  Like many teenagers, I was just fumbling my way through without the manual.

So here, after just turning 18 two days before, I called up my step brother who lived in Alphabet City at the time, and head over to his place with all sorts of nerves fluttering around in my belly for the long anticipated encounter.

It was horrible.

It was right out of a bad porn film, and I am not free from blame there.  It was a “legs over his shoulders, feet in the air, thrusting like a wayward jackhammer, bad porn girl noises” kind of awful.  No orgasm, not even close…for me at least.  I was so disappointed.  He was 9 years older than me, so I thought I might learn something, but instead as I was getting dressed, I realized I had more questions than answers.  Not wanting to keep feeling as naive and unexperienced, I went for shock value.  As I was buttoning up my shirt, I cocked my head to the side, smiled, and said, “Have you tried fisting?”

Needless to say, I really had no idea what fisting really was.  He was like, “Babe, you are way more hardcore than me”.  So, zing!  I left his apartment not feeling like a totally naieve  nymph.  Still, to this day, I have no clue where I came up with that.  I’m guessing I must have heard it mentioned in some book or movie that had crossed my recent path.

For years, my vision of vaginal fisting was just that: “way hardcore”.  I always envisioned it as something most likely painful, definitely uncomfortable, and not in the least bit pleasurable.  I just imagined some man with a fist up his lover’s pussy, just slamming away.  That was a total visual turn off for me.  And while I love rough sex and sensory play, getting off on pain has never been my thing.

At 27 all my misconceptions about fisting came crashing down in one earth-shattering, g-spot induced, orgasm.

I have always loved being fingered while having my pussy licked.  To be stroked inside, to be penetrated, to revel in the feeling of being filled, has always intensified my pleasure.  Oh, I can come without it, yes, but it just makes the orgasm that much more pleasureable.  It takes it to a whole other level.  It’s the best of both oral and penetrative lovemaking.

I was in a relationship with a lover during that time which was really based on mutually exploring our sexual boundaries.  In the course of talking one evening about things we wanted to try, he brought up fisting.  I had my image in my head, but he assured me it wasn’t what I had been long imagining.  A few weeks later he bought me the book A Hand In The Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting, which I admit I only read a short bit from before I consented to trying it with him.  I highly recommend it if you haven’t read it yet.

One night, as he was nestled with his face deep between my thighs he slid a finger inside my pussy, and then a second…still encircling my clit with his tongue, along my hot slit, and I was on fire for him as usual.  He pushed in a third.  He had nice thick fingers.  I loved the way they felt filling me. He stroked me deep inside, traced his passion with each strong finger on my inner walls, and I tightened around him like a glove.  It was like he was making me his instrument, and my sighs and moans were our music.  My thighs were quivering with this intense pleasure that was racing though every inch of my skin. And when he inserted a 4th finger, it was such a insatiable desire flowing through me that I didn’t even realize we had reached that.

It was so primal, so deeply intense.  It was a feeling I had never experienced to that magnitude before. It’s a g-spot orgasm that is like a full-body earthquake that’s an 8.5 on the Richter Scale!   Imagine ladies (or gents) your most intense orgasm, and then multiply that by 100, maybe 1000.  Imagine that, and you might come close to the sensations I was experincing from being filled by his hand.

Photo courtesy COSMOS Magazine

Photo courtesy COSMOS Magazine

We got up to 4 that time before the intensity scared me, and I felt a twinge of pain which I feared was me tearing, but really was the unfortunate nick of a fingernail that wasn’t filed down well enough.  He pulled his hand out slowly, and I would have sworn he was wrist deep inside me.

Rule #1 of good fisting experiences – trim your nails down so no edges can be felt at all!

See, that’s just it.  Fisting isn’t about making a fist and shoving it into your partner’s vagina like a plow. If you Google images of it, that’s all you’ll see; a bunch of hands and forearms stuffed into vaginas, but it really gives a false impression to a seriously delightful experience.

Rule #2 – Slow and steady wins the race!

Be patient and take your time.  It’s slow, it’s sensual, it’s deeply intimate.  If done right, you’re not inserting a fist, but rather slowly making a fist inside your partner’s pussy.  That it what naturally will happen as the fingers  curl the more you progress, once you get past the hardest part, which is the wide part of the man’s hand near the lowest thumb knuckle.  The key to being able to get more fingers in, and inevitably the whole hand,  is that you’re relaxed, and the best way for you for us ladies to be relaxed is to not feel pressured.  Don’t be set on the end goal, enjoy every moment of the ride.

I have to tell you that even in the many times he and I explored this way, his hand was just too wide to fully get past that widened area of his hand.  We were very close one time, very, but then he started licking my asshole that I lost all control, and I came so hard and so fast that it merited a place on the calendar. It has been known since as “BOOML” December 23, 2008.  Otherwise known as “Best Orgasm Of My Life”.  Let it just be said that I am by no means a quiet lover, so I am pretty sure everyone within a 50 mile radius heard me that day too.  Everybody celebrate!  Sorry neighbors.

Rule #3 – No matter how wet you get, use lube!

I get very wet naturally, very, so we didn’t need extra lube (or so we thought), but if you’re going to try this for the first time with a lover, I suggest definitely using a good lube.  And even as juicy as I get, a little extra lube is never a bad thing.  Plus, vaginas are very delicate places, so this will help prevent anything unpleasant like tearing from happening.  Speaking from my first time experience, it really pulled me right off my pleasure high rather quickly.

Photo Courtesy Weheartit.com

Photo Courtesy Weheartit.com

And lastly, Rule #4 – Don’t be afraid to try something new

If I hadn’t have been open to trying this, I would have missed out on a height of sexual ecstasy that I would have not believed was possible.  Be open to pushing your own boundaries, safely that is, you never know what pleasures await you.

Men, I’ll use this moment to say that having a woman stroke your  prostrate with one, or more, fingers can be just as pleasurable for you.  Want to amplify that pleasure?  Have her suck your cock while she does it.  And I promise, it won’t make you gay (haha – Seriously, why are straight men still so fearful of some equal opportunity loving’ here?)  Personally, I find it very sexy to touch a lover this way, but as much as you guys love are asses, you play hard to get with us with your own  Unfair I tell you, unfair!

And it should be noted, it is ok to not enjoy something.  You may try fisting and not have the same experience as me.  It may just not butter your muffins like it does mine, but at least you will know because you gave yourself permission to explore and experience it.

I am still waiting to explore fisting again with a new lover, and hopefully, finally be able to experience the sensation of a whole hand inside me.  It’s not something I would do with every lover and it’s probably not something on every man’s sexual menu, but thanks to that one lover, it is forever on mine.

No Down Low With The Flow?

When I was 19 and I had just met Norris, we had scheduled our first “date night”.  It was summer and I was home from college.  Read “date night” as us grabbing some dinner, and then watching a movie back at his place aka code words for “fucking”.  From the moment we scheduled it, I was anxiously looking forward to it.  That man made my crazy colored artsy girl heart go BANG, ZOOM well, more like my lady bits, but at 19 sometimes we often get these parts confused.

In any case, I was having my period, but it was waning.  Still, on the eve of date night, I still had it, and knew it would still be there for the “Big Night”.  This distressed me.  I was always under the impression that sex on your period was “dirty”.  No one ever told me this flat out, but I suppose it’s there in the underlying text when you learn about this marvelous womanly wonder. On the one hand here is this awesome thing that allows your body to produce life, and on the other, it’s deemed a nuisance, and sometimes, a painfully uncomfortable one.  One that is to be kept hidden, and spoken about only in hushed tones and whispers with sideways glances.  Congratulations, you’re a woman!  Oh, sorry, and also dirty and you should be ashamed.

So, needless to say, I had taken it to heart that this was something I should never, ever, consider coming anywhere near a man with.

Oddly enough, there was something about who I was at that point in my life, and luckily so for me, that I was brave and brazen enough to approach the subject with him.  On the eve of the date when he called to confirm our plans, I told him that I had something to ask him.  I tentatively explained that I was finishing up my “monthly”, and while it was mostly gone, there still might be traces of it around for our night together, and hesitantly asked if this would be a problem for him.  What happened next basically spells out how most of my 17 plus year friendship with him ended up being like: he said, “I had a feeling you were going to ask me that.  No, it’s not a problem at all for me”.  You know, that seems like such a small deal, but it was actually quite pivotal.  It’s also one of the many reasons it made him so easy to fall for, as a sexy friend, or otherwise.

This was the beginning of the reversal of any negative subliminal programming I had received regarding my period as dirty or disgusting.

After this I was never afraid to go there without hesitation with lovers, and I have to say I have been exceptionally lucky in that I have never had a man say “No” when I was on my flow.  “Red Wings” have been earned by many a lover, and many a cock have been smothered, covered, and love”red” with my crimson flow.  In some ways, it feels very primal.    I love a man who isn’t squicked out by something so natural, and likewise, wouldn’t justify it as a reason to pass up orgasmic bliss.  I find it hard to imagine enjoying a lover who has such a roadblock.  I’m guessing we wouldn’t be very compatible, as I am not waiting 7 days to stop bleeding just so I can jump my partner.  I am not that patient.

Its blood.  That’s all, people.  Just blood.  Hey, if you read Twilight and swoon over vampires,  obviously the thought of blood isn’t all that disgusting to you.  Why should it get in the way of your pleasure?

Sheets can get thrown in the wash, and come out unstained.  Towels can be placed underneath if you don’t want the hassle of changing your bed sheets.  Most of all, bodies wash off!  Continue that sexy time with sensuous clean up in the shower afterwards!

Think of it this way, if he says “no” to having sex with you for fear of period blood, but has no issues with the thought of anal sex (and thus the possibility of getting shit on his dick) then what does this really say?  Things that make me go hmmmmmm.  Might I add, I love anal, and men who love anal, and men who are just not afraid of bodies in general.  I love a man who can go with the flow.  Red Wingers, I salute you!

In the interest of good science, and just plain nosy curiosity for those out there who are so inclined to share, how do you feel about getting down when you, or your lover, is bleeding?

Ladies, do you avoid sex when you have your period?  If so, why?

Men, do you avoid having sex with your lover when she is having her monthly flow?

Or, because I just like a good story, feel free to share a similar story about this sacred taboo.

The Art of Erotic Role Play: 5 Must-Try Fantasies For Couples | Good Vibrations Blog

The Art of Erotic Role Play: 5 Must-Try Fantasies For Couples | Good Vibrations Blog.

Hail Mary! No Matter What You Say, We’re Full of Grace

Have you heard the news, ladies?  We’ve finally been cleared of thousands of years worth of guilt-laden finger wagging at the hands of patriarchal Christianity.   When I read this NY Times article on the small scrap of papyrus that had been discovered as containing the passage “And Jesus said to them, my wife”, and was currently being evaluated for authenticity by a team of scholars including scholar, Dr. Karen L. King, from Harvard, I breathed a sigh of relief.  After years of growing up and into adulthood with the notion that women and sexuality, inextricably intertwined as this troublesome duo and fraught with the blame for everything that is wrong with the world, had finally been (hopefully) absolved of their sins.

Photo Courtesy of Ex Urbe

We’ve gotten blamed for just about everything since that first supposed Garden of Eden apple incident.  We “tempted” man with our feminine wiles, and with just one bite, suddenly we all had to stop, drop, and roll that fire out of our naughty bits, and cover ourselves.  Now it’s been suspected for ages that Mary Magdalene was indeed more than just bosom buddies with our pal, Jesus, but the church rears at the very notion that they were anything other than “prostitute” and  “celibate” holy man.  And throughout history, here we have remained, denizens of the beast that is womanhood; a succubus holding the reins of humanity and riding it into sin.

Still, I have believed it to be true all along that there was a bond there; a partnership, a love affair of some kind that not even thousands of years of dictated patriarchal dogma could undo or bury.  Here in the year 2012, maybe we will finally unveil proof of its existence that not even the church can deny.  There’s a lot of testing to still be done, and plenty of Vatican and other churchly scholars are already pronouncing it a forgery, but whatever the case turns out to be, I’m content in my heart with my belief that there was a bond beyond the realm of mere friendship between them.

I suppose the men of the time were threatened by a woman being seen as a “disciple” of Jesus; an equal, a partner in reliable counsel, and trusted confidante.  That’s the other controversial phrase contained on the papyrus: “She will be able to be my disciple”.  In those times that was just unheard of, so I imagine that this societal “blasphemy” might be worthy in their eyes of such name calling as “prostitute” or “whore”.  It certainly is telling of their insecurity, and of their threatened masculinity.   No wonder they put a hit out on him!

It’s almost as if it was easier to denounce him as the son of God, rather than as a traitor to the comforts of their male dominated society.  To that culture, he was akin to a Goddess worshipping Pagan.  He became, in their eyes, something to be purged from the earth to achieve purification from the devious nectar of women.

It would be cleansing of the soul to have all of that women-hate abolished by this one scrap of thousand-year old paper, but it will probably go the way that authentication of the possible Shroud of Turin went in the late 80’s; nowhere fast.  We might be doomed to be scapegoat for all the supposed evils of sexuality for some time to come, or we could choose to embrace our femme fatale personas and take control of it.  We can stand together and reclaim ourselves and our sexuality as our own; unabashedly and without apology.  

Can I get a “Hail Mary”?


*** This article was originally posted by me (Portia Blush) on Good Vibrations Blog The Buzz ***

In Praise of Vanilla: Sexual Expression and Acceptance

Things on here have been seriously heavy on the kink side lately, so I think it’s time to dial it back a notch, and give some equal share time to the other tasty aspects of sexuality.  When I started this blog I didn’t want to focus on just the kinky aspects alone, because my sexuality has really run the gamut, and all of it has been a delicious and valid.  Actually, I think experiencing various forms of kink has made vanilla even better.  Maybe this is because my vanilla isn’t really vanilla, but who is to say for sure.  Sometimes vanilla gets a bad rap in the kink community, and I think unfairly so.  If we can hold space for everyone to have and enjoy their own personal kink of choice without judgement, then why can we not extend that same acceptance to those for whom vanilla is their lovestyle of choice?

Photo Courtesy of Make Better Food

I’m the kind of gal who likes to sample all the flavors, and my tastes are continually changing.  I find it difficult to pick a “favorite” anything.  I have certain things I enjoy more than others, and just what that “flavor” may be, vacillates depending on any number of variables.  I think it’s fair to say that the majority of us are also not static creatures; our desires and tastes ebb and flow, grow and change as we do as individuals.  I don’t experience and express my sexuality the same way I did as a teenager, or even as I did throughout my 20’s, because I’m just not the same person I was then that I am now.  What I think of as vanilla sex now, is definitely not even close to what I once might have defined it as, but that doesn’t mean that one is any less valid than the other.  My sexuality at each stage was congruent to who I was as a person, and where I was along my own path of growth.

As we move through our lives, we continually meet people who will alter the person we know ourselves to be currently. Through our intimate connections with others, whether emotional or physical, or a combination thereof, we are transformed.  With the addition of each interaction, and the intensity and depth of the connection, we are inextricably changed.  Whether this change is conscious or unconscious, by choice or consequence, it is impossible to remain a constant in the wake of such forces.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical
substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed”  – Carl Jung, psychiatrist (1875-1961)

I think those of us who have been involved with either the kink community, or even just exploring kink privately, feel like we have been so unfairly judged, and wrongfully dismissed, by those who are purely vanilla, that there is some residual anger and resentment there.  We’re a little raw from being called “weird” or “wrong” by those who have a more closed-minded, color inside the lines idea of what sexual expression is, and so we tend to transfer all of those feelings of being rejected and sullied, onto the entire vanilla lovestyle.  Unfortunately, that’s a blanket judgement made about an entire group of people, when perhaps only a percentage of that group feels that way.  In reality, this is just as unfair to those who practice vanilla sex solely, as it is to those of us who are unfairly labeled for exploring and enjoying kink.  Those of us that do so are only perpetuating that same rigidity.  And that means that those of us who think we are somehow more open-minded, more advanced in our being because of this, are in actuality, hypocrites.

While I have been using the terms of “vanilla” vs. “kink” speaking about the expression of sexuality as if it were these two areas were polar opposites, it’s important to remember and acknowledge that there is a lot of gray area here in both.  It brings to mind the Kinsey Scale of Sexual Orientation in which Kinsey proposed that only a small minority of us are actually completely straight or gay, and that most of us are on a varying scale of degrees of bisexuality.

“Males/Females do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories… The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.” – Kinsey, (1948)

These kinds of dichotomies can often be witnessed in other areas related to sexuality and relationships, such as in the great debate that exists between those who are monogamous vs. polyamorous.  The Poly community, while professing a more progressive stance on love and relationship, discounts those who would consider themselves monogamous, as people who are somehow emotionally or spiritually stunted in their understanding and expression of love.  The monogamy community, while not wanting to be discounted and belittled for their choice of a single partner relationship, condemns those who choose Polyamory (multiple-partner relationships with full disclosure), as unscrupulous and promiscuous heathens, who only seek pleasure for pleasure’s sake, at the cost of experiencing real emotional depth and connection.  Essentially, both communities want the same thing: to both be seen as valid and acceptable relationship choices, with neither one or the other being the superior choice.  Regardless, the argument between them still remains despite this, with both sides failing to understand that by invalidating the other, they also invalidate their own position as well.  It is imperative that both sides understand this in order to move past this impasse, and grow.

Photo Courtesy of The Cut AboveI do not ascribe my lovemaking to any singular definition. The expression of my sexuality is fluid, and without the confines of a if “this, than “that”” mentality.  I am neither vanilla or kink solely.  It may seem trite to say, but I am much more a connoisseur of “swirl”, when faced with the choice of either vanilla or chocolate.  I want the freedom to choose what I want sexually in the moment, instead of feeling like I have somehow backslid in my personal evolution because I don’t always want sex to include some level of BD/SM or kink play.  Sometimes, just two naked people, physically and emotionally, is pretty damn hot.  And sometimes two people with some wrists restraints, a spreader bar, and a paddle is too.  Both are equally capable of producing mind-blowing, ecstatically juicy results!

It’s important that we all recognize that sexuality and relationship born of consent, is an individual expression, and that no one’s personal expression of it is any more valid than any other.  We all bring to our sexuality a unique bouquet of biology, background, and experience, and that these are often in relation to who we are in that moment; no more or less progressive or evolved than another.  Embrace each others differences, respect each others boundaries, and be open to the possibility that sexuality is more than just how you experience it as an individual.

Beyond Fifty Shades: 6 Tips for the Beginning Dominant Exploring BD/SM

You’ve just read Fifty Shades of Grey, or maybe your partner has, and now your curiosity about BD/SM play has seriously piqued.  Taking the fantasy inspired by books, and bringing it into fruition in the bedroom may seem a little daunting at first, especially to a beginning Dom/me.  Here are five key ingredients that every Dom/me should remember when beginning their new adventure into the world of BD/SM play.

1) Communication

Communication is lubrication, I always say!  What better way to get the erotic juices flowing than to talk about your fantasies with each other!  Communication is an extremely important part of any relationship, but even more important in the realm of BD/SM play.  Whether you and your partner have been together for awhile, or are new to one another, ask your partner what their fantasies are, what new experiences they would like to try and explore, as well as what things they are not into, and do not wish to do.  This will give an erotic map of sorts, and makes a fantastic starting point for exploring this new journey into kink together.

You can also fill out what is known in the community as the “Play Partner Checklist“.  If you’re just starting out this list can seem a bit overwhelming and scary, but it too will provide both you and your partner with a starting point for more advanced exploration, as well as a list of negotiable and hard limits.  Knowledge is power!

2) Mutual Satisfaction

Domination is not simply about ordering your submissive around, and having your own desires met.  It’s about mutual satisfaction and fulfillment.  A lot of people new to D/s exploration assume that, as the Dominant in the relationship, it’s all about meeting their own fantasies and desires, when that is simply not the case.

Your submissive has fantasies and desires too, as well as needs to be met just as you have.  Finding out what those are, and blending them with your own in a harmonious way, will bring a symphony of erotic pleasure and fulfillment for the both of you.  D/s is a dynamic in which we exchange power, and that power flows from the bottom, up to the Top.  Remember, your submissive is giving you a gift in their submission to you.  Respect it, and use it wisely.

3) It’s All In Your Head – Imagination Is Key

Leather pants and a flogger does not, a Dominant, make!  It’s very easy as a new Dom/me to get caught in the trappings of toys like floggers and riding crops, and forget about the mental and emotional aspects of Dominance and submission.  Flex your mental muscles and use your imagination.  Create an aura of Dominance using just the way you move, speak (or don’t speak), and act.

Look to characters in books and movies to inspire you.  What is it about them that makes them a good example of Dominance in your eyes?  For me, it was always a cross between Linda Carter as Wonder Woman and Diana, the leader of the alien invasion in the mini-series “V”.  Find what inspires those feelings in you,  and make it your own.

4) Ingenuity

Again, it’s easy to get caught up in all of the new gear that the world of BD/SM play has to offer.  While nothing beats the smell of a new suede flogger, having one from the start is not a necessity.  You don’t need to go out and spend hundreds of dollars on toys to start having a good time playing!  A little ingenuity goes a long way!

That handy silicone spatula from your kitchen makes a great spanking tool, as does the flat back of a hairbrush!  The aisles at your local pet store will be most useful as you choose which pretty colored nylon collar and leash to use with your new submissive. Or have fun repurposing that cat toy, the plastic wand with a feather on the end, as a caning/sensation toy on your new submissive!  One of my favorite toys is a battery operated electric fly swatter; a paddle with the added bonus of an electric “zap”!

You would be surprised just what kind of toys you can come up with with just a little stretch of the imagination, and little stretch on the budget.  Have fun with it!

5) Safety – Physical and Emotional

Safety is an important part of good play.  Remember, one of your most important roles as a Dominant is caretaker of your submissive.  Make sure you know what you’re doing, and be prepared in case of an emergency.  A pair of EMT sheers is great, and I think a must, to have in your play bag.  They will cut through rope, leather, or clothing in a hurry, without risking cutting your submissive in the process.  It’s better to lose that expensive leather than it is to lose, or endanger, the life of your submissive.  If you get a new toy and are unsure how it may feel, the best way to find out is to test it on yourself first.  This way you not only know how it feels, but what the effect would be with varied application, or on various areas of the body.

Also, remember that beyond the physical aspect, you are also in care of your submissive’s emotional well-being, too.  Designate a safe word; a word that when spoken, will mean that all play must cease immediately.  A safe word should not be words like “No” or “Stop”, as these are sometimes fun to say in scene play.  Instead, it should be something that is totally unrelated and wouldn’t be something that you would unconsciously utter in the course of play, like “Banana” or “Trumpet”.

6) Aftercare

Lastly remember that it takes a lot of vulnerability, emotionally as well as physically,  to submit to another, so respect that your submissive will need some “after care” beyond the scene itself.  The adrenaline and endorphins heightened during a scene often cause drastic changes in mood afterwards.  This is sometimes refereed to as  “Sub Drop”.  Be aware of this, and make sure to check in with your parter even a day or so after the scene has ended to make sure they are feeling emotionally secure.

With these tips in mind, you are well on your way to some exciting and delicious D/s play.   Remember, in this age of readily available instant information research is your friend.  Learn as much as you can, to be the best that you can.  Have fun, and play safe!  Want more advice on how to be a better Dominant? Contact Portia!

Sex-Positive Parenting In A Not So Sex-Positive World

I think when people think of “sex positive parenting”, that those words bring to mind a parent who flaunts their sexuality, or rather, lives their own sex life out in the open in front of (not literally) their children.  That is not the case with me.  My private life is my private life, and she has no business knowing what I do, and I certainly don’t go recounting stories of it without some sort of relevance.  For example, if she asks for advice on something, or asks me what something is, etc, then I have no problem answering honestly and openly.  That being said, I also am not ashamed to laugh at sophomoric humor involving sexual innuendoes, or cracking my own jokes born of witty sarcasm.  You can’t pretend to your children that you’re perfect humans; angels devoid of any sexuality or less than “pure” thoughts and emotions, and expect that this will ensure you have a child become just that. In fact, I think you conjure the exact opposite.

My take on parenting is that your kids not only learn from your example, but that as with adults, whatever you insist they not do, rally against and restrict them from, is only going to drive them head-first, saddles blazing, towards that exact thing you so badly wanted them to denounce.  If you want a child that doesn’t swear, than don’t pretend you don’t.  You can’t scandalize your kids with streams of swear words from your lips when someone cuts you off in traffic, and then turn around and scold them for saying the “S” word.  Seriously, your kids don’t learn anything from that example except how to be a better hypocrite.  Likewise, don’t swear like a truck driver either.  Presumably, you have a more eloquent vocabulary with which to speak your disdain, so use it.

Everything in moderation.  This goes the same for drinking, sex, whatever thing you want your child to have respect for, have respect for yourself.  Don’t abuse it, either by excess, or denial of it.  Your children will follow your example.  My daughter is proof of this.

“Be what you want to appear” – Socrates

My daughter knows I write this blog, and she knows its basic theme is about sexuality.  She doesn’t know the specifics of it, nor does she obviously care to, and I don’t want her to either.  It’s not that I’m ashamed of who I am and what I’m discussing here, but rather that I understand parenting, sex-positively so, has boundaries.  Teaching boundaries is, in essence, teaching healthy sexuality.  I would never want to share the explicit and varied details of my personal explorations with her, unless she asked me for my advice or opinion.

She knows that I love to write, that I’m good at it, and that I am really enjoying the interactions and responses that have come from blogging my experiences, thus far.  However, I can sense her unease about the subject matter when I talk about the blog, or more so, that I’m enthusiastic about it.

When I was 16, I could not wait to get going; my engines were racing, and I wanted to explore the whole world right away.  Watching one too many afternoons of daytime soap operas after school is what my mother blames my curiosity on.  I blame it on the fact that neither she, nor my father, even attempted to have “The Talk” with me, let alone try to broach the subject with me to even see if I had any questions I wanted to ask.  The only thing I knew about was getting my period, and that was because my mother remembered how a girl in her 6th grade class in Catholic school got hers one day, it leaked onto her clothes, and she was horribly embarrassed because she had no clue what was happening to her body.  My mother did not want this to happen to me.  I guess I am thankful to her for at least that morsel of body education.

My daughter though is an entirely different story.  As open as I have been about sexuality as being a normal, natural part of life, to be enjoyed in a healthy, vivacious way without the trappings of it being called “wrong” or “immoral”, she really has no interest in it.  When she was 14 I told her that if she ever had any questions about sex, or any of the new “feelings” that puberty usually brings on, that she could talk to me, and ask me anything.  She told me, “Mom, I’m in middle school.  Kids talk.  I know everything”, and I said, “Kids usually talk about sex like they know what they’re talking about, but usually, they don’t know anything about it.  They just want everyone to think they do”.  That’s more like disinformation.  Can you imagine leaving your child’s sex education up to the information that gets leaked from peers?  The very thought makes me shudder.  She encouraged me though when she told me, very earnestly, that she had no interest in sex, and that she was “a kid, and wanted to remain a kid as long as I possibly can”.  You know, why can’t more kids have this kind of clarity and respect for their innocence, and how did I get so lucky!

I recently watched a documentary on the sex education and trends in our youth culture called “Let’s Talk About Sex”.  Compared and contrasted against the rest of the industrialized world, the U.S. has the highest teen pregnancy rate.  And when I say high, I mean, drastically so in comparison.  According to the research from the film, every day nearly 2400 teens become pregnant in the U.S. , and nearly 10,000 teens a day contract a STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease).  The film goes on to illustrate how the U.S., compared to other countries, has a more contradictory viewpoint on sex and teenagers.

Despite the fact that sex is everywhere in he media, and aimed heavily at our youth, we have major hangups around just how to approach the idea of sex education with our youth.  While other countries seem to teach that it’s a natural and healthy part of life akin eating and sleeping, and as something to be respected, our country seems to hypocritically denounce it as “bad”, equating it with drugs and alcohol, as something that is harmful, and something to abstain from.  However, as can be gleamed from how other countries approach the topic of sex education, if you educate your children, age appropriately, about sex in an open and honest way as something to be valued and respected, you will have youth that respond in that manner.

And I think that the trend we see with our youth and their abuse of alcohol, is actually a really telling correlation.  As we tell our kids “No” vehemently, and forbid it so staunchly, we actually create the desire in kids to want it.  They don’t know why they want it, except that it’s this “forbidden” thing, and so the power and mystery to this forbidden experience becomes just that: powerful.  What happens when you tell someone “No, you can’t have any”? Well, chances are, even if they didn’t want any to begin with, the fact that someone forbade them created an instant driven force towards the very thing they were denied.  When my parents would have wine with dinner, they would offer my brother and I a sip in a small glass.  Most often than not, we turned it down.  However the very fat that they offered it to us took that stigma of the “forbidden” away, so when we grew up and went to college, we didn’t feel the core-driven urge to get drunk and “party”.  I’m not saying we didn’t drink, but we didn’t go out and abuse it like so many kids do the minute they are out from their parents watchful eye.  We had respect for it, and honestly didn’t feel the need to use it to the point of excess because it was never something we were refused.

Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to have this foresight with discussing sex, and just assumed that if they didn’t talk about it, that we wouldn’t want to do it.  Wrong, wrong, so very wrong.

Photo Courtesy of Gstile

When I was in 6th grade and overheard a bunch of girls talking about sex while in the library studying, my immediate thought was, “Wait, these girls know about sex, and I don’t, and yet, I am so much smarter than them.  How come I don’t know about this, and they do?”  Well, that was like waving a red flag in front of a bull.  I headed straight to the medical encyclopedia of our middle school library, and checked out volume “S”.  That night, behind the closed-door of my bedroom sanctuary, I read what sex was in graphic detail.  I can tell you that none of those girls I had overheard knew what sex was either, but now I did.  I was 12.  My response to what I had just learned was “Ewww, I’m never doing that.  That’s gross”.

Two years later, I changed my opinion.  I still had no guidance from my parents.  There’s power in a mystery, and even more so when it’s peer-driven.  You’re vying so hard to find out who you are, and weighing yourself against everyone else.  If the majority of us are not receiving the information we need, well, I can tell you that is a whole lot of teenagers who want to discover just why you so adamantly rally against sex.  That is an inertia that is very difficult to fight.

You can make a difference as parents.  You do not want your kids learning from other kids about what sex is, and refusing to acknowledge what sex is, or just telling them “No”, is only going to make the very thing you fear as parents, reality.  As uncomfortable as broaching the subject with your kids may be, it’s worth a little bit of awkward to get accurate and positive information to them.  The alternative is much worse.  Talking about it with them will not make them want to go out and do it, in fact, taking an upfront and honest approach to the subject diffuses its mysterious charge.  Remember, what you resist, persists!  Don’t fight against educating your children in a healthy, age-appropriate way, fight for it!

How do you approach the subject of sex with your kids?

Bottoms Up, August!

My mother is the kind of person who has a song for everything.  You name it, she can and will think of a song about it, and most likely derail any train of thought you may be on by breaking into verse right in the middle of whatever conversational track you’re riding.  Growing up, I used to joke with her that I could say the words, “green sofa”, and she would know a song about just that.

Oddly enough, and following true to my mom’s form, there is a special month for just about everything under the sun as well,  and although I haven’t found “National Green Sofa Month” yet, I have found that May is “National Masturbation Month”, and although we typically have lots of reasons to celebrate during the summer, I doubt anyone ever threw a picnic in August to celebrate “National Anal Sex Month”.  That’s right, raise your glass to your ass (or someone else’s), because apparently that is what August is all about!  In fact, it’s been that way since 1927, or so a bunch of mock history and ads would have us believe.  Now that’s a campaign I can really get behind!

In celebration of this fine occasion, allow me to share with you the gloriously erotic buffet that is anal play, which I have had the pleasure of sampling.

Sweet As A Peach

Women, I speak directly to you when I say this, it’s time to stop being so frightened of anal play, unclench those pretty peachy-pink cheeks of yours, and discover a whole new world of sexual possibilities and pleasures that await you!  I honestly do not understand what’s so scary.  Maybe you’re afraid it’s messy, maybe you’re afraid it’s going to hurt, or maybe you just feel it’s “dirty” because, after all, it’s associated so strongly with it’s traditional bathroom functionality.  Ladies, I am here to tell you as a fellow feminine creature and lover of cleanliness, in true girly fashion, anal sex doesn’t have to be any of those things.  As long as you have a partner who is willing to listen to you and your body, and not just his own, you will find some of the most sensual and erotic experiences can be had anally.  I think a lot of women tend to think it’s a very male-centric pleasure experience born of fantasies and bad porn films, but I, as well as many other women,  have first-hand experience that proves otherwise.

“I think a lot of women tend to think it’s a very male-centric pleasure experience born of fantasies and bad porn films”

The keys to any great anal sex experience are lubrication, relaxation, and communication.  If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong, and the biggest offender of this is a lack of lubrication.  Your anus doesn’t self-lubricate like your vagina does, so make sure you have a good lube.  I like Slippery Stuff or Astroglide, but you can find a whole bunch of options here at Good Vibrations, if you feel kind of shy purchasing such things in person at your local store where your daughter’s friends might see you buying intimate things, and report back on it.  (yep, true story brah…look for that at a later date)  Good lubrication will allow you to experience being anal penetration without pain, and therefore allow you to be open to feeling all of the wonderful nuances of pleasure and sensation there are to feel!  In addition, if you’re feeling tense, your anus will naturally clench even tighter, which will make for a very uncomfortable anal experience for you.  There is some truth to that saying “They’re so uptight”.  So make sure you are feeling relaxed before you go for the gold, otherwise you’ll just end up having a self-actualized painful anal sex experience.

The main ingredient is communication.  This, I always say, is the key to any great sexual experience.  When you feel comfortable enough to consider exploring this new erotic frontier, talk about it every step of the way.  Tell him (or her as the case may be) how it feels, and what you need more or less of.  There’s no need to rush into anything too large.  Start small with maybe a finger or two, and then ease your way up to eventually taking his full cock into you.  And don’t be discouraged if you’re just not feeling into it.  Even as much as I love anal, there are some times that it doesn’t work for me.  One of them is when I’m cold.  If I feel chilled, or the room is too cold, it will not be a pleasant experience for me.  Men, listen to your partners, believe me, it’s in your best interest if you want a mutually satisfying sexual foray.

But enough with the “how-to’s”, let’s get down to the real core of shared experience.  You will find more than enough articles online that will tell you the basics.  I guess I just wanted you to hear it from a woman who loves anal, rather than just reading another cookie-cutter  list either written from the male perspective, or by some arbitrary woman who you will always be wondering if she indeed had ever experienced what she’s written about.

I had had full-on anal penetration by a penis long before I’d ever experienced anal penetration by a finger.  I’m not sure why this is, but I’m going to guess because a lot of men don’t necessarily think of anal sex as being as pleasurable an experience for their female partners, as it is for them, and so they don’t think to play around too much that way when it doesn’t involve their cock.    When I finally had the experience of being fingered anally, it was on Valentine’s day.  Isn’t it funny how something like that can make you remember a holiday that usually gets remembered for it’s cards, flowers, and candy?  Well, I remembered it for the way it made me bloom, that’s for sure!

My partner at the time was going down on me, face buried between my thighs tonguing me, one hand wrapped around the curves of my upper thigh pressing me apart, as the other hand’s fingers made their way skillfully inside me, stroking, drawing in and up, circling, finding my g-spot with ease.  Vaginal fingering is an art, a painterly skill that not all men, despite what they think they know, actually posses.  This, this is a guaranteed way to make me cum, every time.  He was very good at it, despite the fact that he was terrible at all the other aspects of relationship.  Hey, I have to give credit where credit is due, but I digress.  It was in this moment when that V-Day became more than just about the V-J.

Yes, the hand that was once wrapped around my inner thigh had somehow surreptitiously made it’s way along the line of my inner thigh downward to the soft, puckered, rose-pink center of my primitive soul, and was slowly sliding a cautious finger inside.  In that instant, every peak and valley of sensation was heightened to the point of cosmic acuity.  It was a level of pleasure I had never experienced before.  That core-shaking intensity that had only come with g-spot orgasm, was now multiplied infinitesimally.  Every inch of my body shook from the very crux of my being, outward.  To this day, the orgasm from being double-penetrated while licked, is hands down the most intense and profoundly erotic for me.

“In that instant, every peak and valley of sensation was heightened to the point of cosmic acuity.”

From that “first” on, experimenting with all the sensation that area has to offer has continued.  I have found that I love being licked and sucked around my anus, or as it’s properly termed, “Rimming”.  It’s super sensitive, and feels divine.  It’s completely different than the clitoral kind of sensation.  It’s lighter, and yet more deeply felt, all at once.  It definitely won’t lead to an orgasm all by itself like clitoral stimulation will, but it’s a deliriously delicious part of the sensual journey.   It’s very primal, very carnal.  Maybe some of you are squicked by this very idea, and I can understand how you might be turned off at first.  Cleanliness is of the utmost of importance for this to be enjoyed for both the giving, as well as the receiving party.  And this is not an experience that is solely exclusive for women, some men love this too.

I have had several male lovers who also found this to be equally erotic for them.  When I rim a man there, I imagine that delicate area, and all it’s crests and crevices of skin, to be like a pussy; so subtle and sensitive, hidden and yet, exposed.  Similarly, because of the placement of the prostate inside the man’s anus, it is equally as pleasurable for a man to be penetrated while having a woman (or man, for that matter), suck his cock.  The orgasms from prostate stimulation are akin to those a woman experiences via G-Spot stimulation.  There is nothing emasculating about a man enjoying pleasure like this, despite whatever connections you may infer from my reference above about the anus as a pussy.  I rather like to think it takes a man very secure in himself, and his masculinity, to allow a woman to make love to him this way.  I, myself, as a woman find it highly erotic to make love to my male lovers like this.  I love the subtle shift of power, the unique passing of energetic opposites, that occurs between partners in moments like this.    It’s insanely erotic for me.

“There is nothing emasculating about a man enjoying pleasure like this, despite whatever connections you may infer from my reference.  I rather like to think it takes a man very secure in himself and his masculinity, to allow a woman to make love to him this way.”

One of the best anal sex positions for me is to be taken “doggy style”, a term I actually dislike, but hey, it’s an instant mental image none the less.  One of the very best aspects about this position for a woman during anal sex is the increased stimulation the clitoris receives.  Not only do you get the lovely sensations from your lovers cock inside you, but his balls and scrotum rub and stroke against your clitoris as he thrusts himself in and out.  I have actually orgasmed from this position several times.  Or, if you want to modify the position a bit, you can actually lay on your stomach and put a pillow (or two) underneath your hips to elevate them.  So, you get all the benefits of the previous position, plus you get allow your body to relax into the softness of the bed beneath you, and you have the added sensation of the warmth of your lovers stomach and chest skin brushing against your back as he moves in and out of you.  I rather like the latter position, as to me it feels deeply intimate.  It’s much more for languid “lovemaking”, rather than the morning quickie.

These are just a few ways that I enjoy anal play, and wanted to celebrate and share the ecstatic joys of from a female perspective.  My fellow sister sexplorers, I hope this has been helpful to you, and possibly even helped to alleviate some trepidations, or misconceptions, of anal sex for you.  And to my male sexplorers, I hope you learned something new about what your female partners perspective, or experiences with you, may be like.  As I always say, knowledge is power, and nothing is more sexy than a partner who desires not only to please, but to truly “know” your body, as well as theirs.

Fifty Shades of Tickled Pink

Finally, that fluffy excuse for a BD/SM novel has met it’s maker!  Hallelujah!

As seen on the shelves at Target

I suppose, while I can knock it’s poorly written pages all I want, kudos to Fifty Shades of Grey and the likes of E L  James for bringing Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series, and with it, the boundlessly erotic BD/SM world, into the hands of sex-starved wives (and husbands) everywhere!  As I wrote in my recent post, “Coffee, Sleeping Beauty, and BD/SM”, it was the book, The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, that charged and changed my erotic life forever, and I am so much richer for it!  I am thrilled that now, having been thrust into market again, this series will enjoy a whole new generation of fans.

It was only by chance that I even knew what it was, but back in April I was in my dermatologists office waiting for my appointment to begin, when I had the pleasure of reading Katie Rolphe’s article in Newsweek  on how spanking, and the notions of Dominance and submission as erotic paradigms, were trending their way into the bedrooms of women across America via the book Fifty Shades of Grey.  I thought to myself that this was nothing new (at least to me), having seen the intensely erotic movies Secretary, and 9 1/2 Weeks, several years before, but I suppose with the recent cultural fascination with vampires and all things dark and seductive, it was only a matter of time before the BD/SM world got it’s turn in the limelight.

I had one of the best laughs of the year when an acquaintance of mine, a soccer mom of three in her early 40’s, had asked me if I’d read it.  What a marvelous coincidence that I had just read the article mentioning that book the very day before this query came.  When I told her that I had yet to read it, but have heard of it, she proceeded to sing the praises of it’s bodaciously, tawdry, D/s theme.  I got such a kick out of sitting back and listening to her swoon romantically about this apparently new erotic landscape for her (and her husband), all the while having had such a rich and vibrant sexual history of play in the realms of BD/SM and D/s, myself.  It wasn’t until she said something about how she had told her husband, upon having reading the book, that she thought they might need a “playroom” of their own, and how I would “understand just what that meant after you read the book”, that I just couldn’t contain myself any longer, and let out a hearty giggle, as a Cheshire Cat smile made its way playfully across my face.  It should come as no surprise to you that this same woman is also a rabid fangirl of the Twilight series.

So while I can joke about it all I want, I have to sincerely and graciously extend a hearty “Thank You” to that sappy cheese-bomb of paperback erotic fiction, for having brought this once dark and forbidden world of kink, unabashedly into the mainstream erosphere!  E L  James, I salute you!