A Hand In The Bush Is Worth More Than Two Fingers

When I was 18 I had sex with my step brother.  I had just moved to NYC for college, and now that I was “legal”, the opportunity to make something long-flirted around, a reality, was too tempting to pass up.

Even though I had lost my virginity a few years earlier, with two different partners, I really had no real understanding of what good sex was, let alone how to be any “good” at it.  My parents never really talked to me about sex (whose really do), so my sexual education really came from watching soap operas and guessing, watching one porn film and wondering “Why?”, and then filling in the blanks with anything else sexually stereotypical the pre-internet media wanted to share with me.  Like many teenagers, I was just fumbling my way through without the manual.

So here, after just turning 18 two days before, I called up my step brother who lived in Alphabet City at the time, and head over to his place with all sorts of nerves fluttering around in my belly for the long anticipated encounter.

It was horrible.

It was right out of a bad porn film, and I am not free from blame there.  It was a “legs over his shoulders, feet in the air, thrusting like a wayward jackhammer, bad porn girl noises” kind of awful.  No orgasm, not even close…for me at least.  I was so disappointed.  He was 9 years older than me, so I thought I might learn something, but instead as I was getting dressed, I realized I had more questions than answers.  Not wanting to keep feeling as naive and unexperienced, I went for shock value.  As I was buttoning up my shirt, I cocked my head to the side, smiled, and said, “Have you tried fisting?”

Needless to say, I really had no idea what fisting really was.  He was like, “Babe, you are way more hardcore than me”.  So, zing!  I left his apartment not feeling like a totally naieve  nymph.  Still, to this day, I have no clue where I came up with that.  I’m guessing I must have heard it mentioned in some book or movie that had crossed my recent path.

For years, my vision of vaginal fisting was just that: “way hardcore”.  I always envisioned it as something most likely painful, definitely uncomfortable, and not in the least bit pleasurable.  I just imagined some man with a fist up his lover’s pussy, just slamming away.  That was a total visual turn off for me.  And while I love rough sex and sensory play, getting off on pain has never been my thing.

At 27 all my misconceptions about fisting came crashing down in one earth-shattering, g-spot induced, orgasm.

I have always loved being fingered while having my pussy licked.  To be stroked inside, to be penetrated, to revel in the feeling of being filled, has always intensified my pleasure.  Oh, I can come without it, yes, but it just makes the orgasm that much more pleasureable.  It takes it to a whole other level.  It’s the best of both oral and penetrative lovemaking.

I was in a relationship with a lover during that time which was really based on mutually exploring our sexual boundaries.  In the course of talking one evening about things we wanted to try, he brought up fisting.  I had my image in my head, but he assured me it wasn’t what I had been long imagining.  A few weeks later he bought me the book A Hand In The Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting, which I admit I only read a short bit from before I consented to trying it with him.  I highly recommend it if you haven’t read it yet.

One night, as he was nestled with his face deep between my thighs he slid a finger inside my pussy, and then a second…still encircling my clit with his tongue, along my hot slit, and I was on fire for him as usual.  He pushed in a third.  He had nice thick fingers.  I loved the way they felt filling me. He stroked me deep inside, traced his passion with each strong finger on my inner walls, and I tightened around him like a glove.  It was like he was making me his instrument, and my sighs and moans were our music.  My thighs were quivering with this intense pleasure that was racing though every inch of my skin. And when he inserted a 4th finger, it was such a insatiable desire flowing through me that I didn’t even realize we had reached that.

It was so primal, so deeply intense.  It was a feeling I had never experienced to that magnitude before. It’s a g-spot orgasm that is like a full-body earthquake that’s an 8.5 on the Richter Scale!   Imagine ladies (or gents) your most intense orgasm, and then multiply that by 100, maybe 1000.  Imagine that, and you might come close to the sensations I was experincing from being filled by his hand.

Photo courtesy COSMOS Magazine

Photo courtesy COSMOS Magazine

We got up to 4 that time before the intensity scared me, and I felt a twinge of pain which I feared was me tearing, but really was the unfortunate nick of a fingernail that wasn’t filed down well enough.  He pulled his hand out slowly, and I would have sworn he was wrist deep inside me.

Rule #1 of good fisting experiences – trim your nails down so no edges can be felt at all!

See, that’s just it.  Fisting isn’t about making a fist and shoving it into your partner’s vagina like a plow. If you Google images of it, that’s all you’ll see; a bunch of hands and forearms stuffed into vaginas, but it really gives a false impression to a seriously delightful experience.

Rule #2 – Slow and steady wins the race!

Be patient and take your time.  It’s slow, it’s sensual, it’s deeply intimate.  If done right, you’re not inserting a fist, but rather slowly making a fist inside your partner’s pussy.  That it what naturally will happen as the fingers  curl the more you progress, once you get past the hardest part, which is the wide part of the man’s hand near the lowest thumb knuckle.  The key to being able to get more fingers in, and inevitably the whole hand,  is that you’re relaxed, and the best way for you for us ladies to be relaxed is to not feel pressured.  Don’t be set on the end goal, enjoy every moment of the ride.

I have to tell you that even in the many times he and I explored this way, his hand was just too wide to fully get past that widened area of his hand.  We were very close one time, very, but then he started licking my asshole that I lost all control, and I came so hard and so fast that it merited a place on the calendar. It has been known since as “BOOML” December 23, 2008.  Otherwise known as “Best Orgasm Of My Life”.  Let it just be said that I am by no means a quiet lover, so I am pretty sure everyone within a 50 mile radius heard me that day too.  Everybody celebrate!  Sorry neighbors.

Rule #3 – No matter how wet you get, use lube!

I get very wet naturally, very, so we didn’t need extra lube (or so we thought), but if you’re going to try this for the first time with a lover, I suggest definitely using a good lube.  And even as juicy as I get, a little extra lube is never a bad thing.  Plus, vaginas are very delicate places, so this will help prevent anything unpleasant like tearing from happening.  Speaking from my first time experience, it really pulled me right off my pleasure high rather quickly.

Photo Courtesy Weheartit.com

Photo Courtesy Weheartit.com

And lastly, Rule #4 – Don’t be afraid to try something new

If I hadn’t have been open to trying this, I would have missed out on a height of sexual ecstasy that I would have not believed was possible.  Be open to pushing your own boundaries, safely that is, you never know what pleasures await you.

Men, I’ll use this moment to say that having a woman stroke your  prostrate with one, or more, fingers can be just as pleasurable for you.  Want to amplify that pleasure?  Have her suck your cock while she does it.  And I promise, it won’t make you gay (haha – Seriously, why are straight men still so fearful of some equal opportunity loving’ here?)  Personally, I find it very sexy to touch a lover this way, but as much as you guys love are asses, you play hard to get with us with your own  Unfair I tell you, unfair!

And it should be noted, it is ok to not enjoy something.  You may try fisting and not have the same experience as me.  It may just not butter your muffins like it does mine, but at least you will know because you gave yourself permission to explore and experience it.

I am still waiting to explore fisting again with a new lover, and hopefully, finally be able to experience the sensation of a whole hand inside me.  It’s not something I would do with every lover and it’s probably not something on every man’s sexual menu, but thanks to that one lover, it is forever on mine.

No Down Low With The Flow?

When I was 19 and I had just met Norris, we had scheduled our first “date night”.  It was summer and I was home from college.  Read “date night” as us grabbing some dinner, and then watching a movie back at his place aka code words for “fucking”.  From the moment we scheduled it, I was anxiously looking forward to it.  That man made my crazy colored artsy girl heart go BANG, ZOOM well, more like my lady bits, but at 19 sometimes we often get these parts confused.

In any case, I was having my period, but it was waning.  Still, on the eve of date night, I still had it, and knew it would still be there for the “Big Night”.  This distressed me.  I was always under the impression that sex on your period was “dirty”.  No one ever told me this flat out, but I suppose it’s there in the underlying text when you learn about this marvelous womanly wonder. On the one hand here is this awesome thing that allows your body to produce life, and on the other, it’s deemed a nuisance, and sometimes, a painfully uncomfortable one.  One that is to be kept hidden, and spoken about only in hushed tones and whispers with sideways glances.  Congratulations, you’re a woman!  Oh, sorry, and also dirty and you should be ashamed.

So, needless to say, I had taken it to heart that this was something I should never, ever, consider coming anywhere near a man with.

Oddly enough, there was something about who I was at that point in my life, and luckily so for me, that I was brave and brazen enough to approach the subject with him.  On the eve of the date when he called to confirm our plans, I told him that I had something to ask him.  I tentatively explained that I was finishing up my “monthly”, and while it was mostly gone, there still might be traces of it around for our night together, and hesitantly asked if this would be a problem for him.  What happened next basically spells out how most of my 17 plus year friendship with him ended up being like: he said, “I had a feeling you were going to ask me that.  No, it’s not a problem at all for me”.  You know, that seems like such a small deal, but it was actually quite pivotal.  It’s also one of the many reasons it made him so easy to fall for, as a sexy friend, or otherwise.

This was the beginning of the reversal of any negative subliminal programming I had received regarding my period as dirty or disgusting.

After this I was never afraid to go there without hesitation with lovers, and I have to say I have been exceptionally lucky in that I have never had a man say “No” when I was on my flow.  “Red Wings” have been earned by many a lover, and many a cock have been smothered, covered, and love”red” with my crimson flow.  In some ways, it feels very primal.    I love a man who isn’t squicked out by something so natural, and likewise, wouldn’t justify it as a reason to pass up orgasmic bliss.  I find it hard to imagine enjoying a lover who has such a roadblock.  I’m guessing we wouldn’t be very compatible, as I am not waiting 7 days to stop bleeding just so I can jump my partner.  I am not that patient.

Its blood.  That’s all, people.  Just blood.  Hey, if you read Twilight and swoon over vampires,  obviously the thought of blood isn’t all that disgusting to you.  Why should it get in the way of your pleasure?

Sheets can get thrown in the wash, and come out unstained.  Towels can be placed underneath if you don’t want the hassle of changing your bed sheets.  Most of all, bodies wash off!  Continue that sexy time with sensuous clean up in the shower afterwards!

Think of it this way, if he says “no” to having sex with you for fear of period blood, but has no issues with the thought of anal sex (and thus the possibility of getting shit on his dick) then what does this really say?  Things that make me go hmmmmmm.  Might I add, I love anal, and men who love anal, and men who are just not afraid of bodies in general.  I love a man who can go with the flow.  Red Wingers, I salute you!

In the interest of good science, and just plain nosy curiosity for those out there who are so inclined to share, how do you feel about getting down when you, or your lover, is bleeding?

Ladies, do you avoid sex when you have your period?  If so, why?

Men, do you avoid having sex with your lover when she is having her monthly flow?

Or, because I just like a good story, feel free to share a similar story about this sacred taboo.

The Art of Erotic Role Play: 5 Must-Try Fantasies For Couples | Good Vibrations Blog

The Art of Erotic Role Play: 5 Must-Try Fantasies For Couples | Good Vibrations Blog.

Hail Mary! No Matter What You Say, We’re Full of Grace | Good Vibrations Blog

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Beyond Fifty Shades: 6 Tips for the Beginning Dominant Exploring BD/SM

You’ve just read Fifty Shades of Grey, or maybe your partner has, and now your curiosity about BD/SM play has seriously piqued.  Taking the fantasy inspired by books, and bringing it into fruition in the bedroom may seem a little daunting at first, especially to a beginning Dom/me.  Here are five key ingredients that every Dom/me should remember when beginning their new adventure into the world of BD/SM play.

1) Communication

Communication is lubrication, I always say!  What better way to get the erotic juices flowing than to talk about your fantasies with each other!  Communication is an extremely important part of any relationship, but even more important in the realm of BD/SM play.  Whether you and your partner have been together for awhile, or are new to one another, ask your partner what their fantasies are, what new experiences they would like to try and explore, as well as what things they are not into, and do not wish to do.  This will give an erotic map of sorts, and makes a fantastic starting point for exploring this new journey into kink together.

You can also fill out what is known in the community as the “Play Partner Checklist“.  If you’re just starting out this list can seem a bit overwhelming and scary, but it too will provide both you and your partner with a starting point for more advanced exploration, as well as a list of negotiable and hard limits.  Knowledge is power!

2) Mutual Satisfaction

Domination is not simply about ordering your submissive around, and having your own desires met.  It’s about mutual satisfaction and fulfillment.  A lot of people new to D/s exploration assume that, as the Dominant in the relationship, it’s all about meeting their own fantasies and desires, when that is simply not the case.

Your submissive has fantasies and desires too, as well as needs to be met just as you have.  Finding out what those are, and blending them with your own in a harmonious way, will bring a symphony of erotic pleasure and fulfillment for the both of you.  D/s is a dynamic in which we exchange power, and that power flows from the bottom, up to the Top.  Remember, your submissive is giving you a gift in their submission to you.  Respect it, and use it wisely.

3) It’s All In Your Head – Imagination Is Key

Leather pants and a flogger does not, a Dominant, make!  It’s very easy as a new Dom/me to get caught in the trappings of toys like floggers and riding crops, and forget about the mental and emotional aspects of Dominance and submission.  Flex your mental muscles and use your imagination.  Create an aura of Dominance using just the way you move, speak (or don’t speak), and act.

Look to characters in books and movies to inspire you.  What is it about them that makes them a good example of Dominance in your eyes?  For me, it was always a cross between Linda Carter as Wonder Woman and Diana, the leader of the alien invasion in the mini-series “V”.  Find what inspires those feelings in you,  and make it your own.

4) Ingenuity

Again, it’s easy to get caught up in all of the new gear that the world of BD/SM play has to offer.  While nothing beats the smell of a new suede flogger, having one from the start is not a necessity.  You don’t need to go out and spend hundreds of dollars on toys to start having a good time playing!  A little ingenuity goes a long way!

That handy silicone spatula from your kitchen makes a great spanking tool, as does the flat back of a hairbrush!  The aisles at your local pet store will be most useful as you choose which pretty colored nylon collar and leash to use with your new submissive. Or have fun repurposing that cat toy, the plastic wand with a feather on the end, as a caning/sensation toy on your new submissive!  One of my favorite toys is a battery operated electric fly swatter; a paddle with the added bonus of an electric “zap”!

You would be surprised just what kind of toys you can come up with with just a little stretch of the imagination, and little stretch on the budget.  Have fun with it!

5) Safety – Physical and Emotional

Safety is an important part of good play.  Remember, one of your most important roles as a Dominant is caretaker of your submissive.  Make sure you know what you’re doing, and be prepared in case of an emergency.  A pair of EMT sheers is great, and I think a must, to have in your play bag.  They will cut through rope, leather, or clothing in a hurry, without risking cutting your submissive in the process.  It’s better to lose that expensive leather than it is to lose, or endanger, the life of your submissive.  If you get a new toy and are unsure how it may feel, the best way to find out is to test it on yourself first.  This way you not only know how it feels, but what the effect would be with varied application, or on various areas of the body.

Also, remember that beyond the physical aspect, you are also in care of your submissive’s emotional well-being, too.  Designate a safe word; a word that when spoken, will mean that all play must cease immediately.  A safe word should not be words like “No” or “Stop”, as these are sometimes fun to say in scene play.  Instead, it should be something that is totally unrelated and wouldn’t be something that you would unconsciously utter in the course of play, like “Banana” or “Trumpet”.

6) Aftercare

Lastly remember that it takes a lot of vulnerability, emotionally as well as physically,  to submit to another, so respect that your submissive will need some “after care” beyond the scene itself.  The adrenaline and endorphins heightened during a scene often cause drastic changes in mood afterwards.  This is sometimes refereed to as  “Sub Drop”.  Be aware of this, and make sure to check in with your parter even a day or so after the scene has ended to make sure they are feeling emotionally secure.

With these tips in mind, you are well on your way to some exciting and delicious D/s play.   Remember, in this age of readily available instant information research is your friend.  Learn as much as you can, to be the best that you can.  Have fun, and play safe!  Want more advice on how to be a better Dominant? Contact Portia!