Bottoms Up, August!

My mother is the kind of person who has a song for everything.  You name it, she can and will think of a song about it, and most likely derail any train of thought you may be on by breaking into verse right in the middle of whatever conversational track you’re riding.  Growing up, I used to joke with her that I could say the words, “green sofa”, and she would know a song about just that.

Oddly enough, and following true to my mom’s form, there is a special month for just about everything under the sun as well,  and although I haven’t found “National Green Sofa Month” yet, I have found that May is “National Masturbation Month”, and although we typically have lots of reasons to celebrate during the summer, I doubt anyone ever threw a picnic in August to celebrate “National Anal Sex Month”.  That’s right, raise your glass to your ass (or someone else’s), because apparently that is what August is all about!  In fact, it’s been that way since 1927, or so a bunch of mock history and ads would have us believe.  Now that’s a campaign I can really get behind!

In celebration of this fine occasion, allow me to share with you the gloriously erotic buffet that is anal play, which I have had the pleasure of sampling.

Sweet As A Peach

Women, I speak directly to you when I say this, it’s time to stop being so frightened of anal play, unclench those pretty peachy-pink cheeks of yours, and discover a whole new world of sexual possibilities and pleasures that await you!  I honestly do not understand what’s so scary.  Maybe you’re afraid it’s messy, maybe you’re afraid it’s going to hurt, or maybe you just feel it’s “dirty” because, after all, it’s associated so strongly with it’s traditional bathroom functionality.  Ladies, I am here to tell you as a fellow feminine creature and lover of cleanliness, in true girly fashion, anal sex doesn’t have to be any of those things.  As long as you have a partner who is willing to listen to you and your body, and not just his own, you will find some of the most sensual and erotic experiences can be had anally.  I think a lot of women tend to think it’s a very male-centric pleasure experience born of fantasies and bad porn films, but I, as well as many other women,  have first-hand experience that proves otherwise.

“I think a lot of women tend to think it’s a very male-centric pleasure experience born of fantasies and bad porn films”

The keys to any great anal sex experience are lubrication, relaxation, and communication.  If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong, and the biggest offender of this is a lack of lubrication.  Your anus doesn’t self-lubricate like your vagina does, so make sure you have a good lube.  I like Slippery Stuff or Astroglide, but you can find a whole bunch of options here at Good Vibrations, if you feel kind of shy purchasing such things in person at your local store where your daughter’s friends might see you buying intimate things, and report back on it.  (yep, true story brah…look for that at a later date)  Good lubrication will allow you to experience being anal penetration without pain, and therefore allow you to be open to feeling all of the wonderful nuances of pleasure and sensation there are to feel!  In addition, if you’re feeling tense, your anus will naturally clench even tighter, which will make for a very uncomfortable anal experience for you.  There is some truth to that saying “They’re so uptight”.  So make sure you are feeling relaxed before you go for the gold, otherwise you’ll just end up having a self-actualized painful anal sex experience.

The main ingredient is communication.  This, I always say, is the key to any great sexual experience.  When you feel comfortable enough to consider exploring this new erotic frontier, talk about it every step of the way.  Tell him (or her as the case may be) how it feels, and what you need more or less of.  There’s no need to rush into anything too large.  Start small with maybe a finger or two, and then ease your way up to eventually taking his full cock into you.  And don’t be discouraged if you’re just not feeling into it.  Even as much as I love anal, there are some times that it doesn’t work for me.  One of them is when I’m cold.  If I feel chilled, or the room is too cold, it will not be a pleasant experience for me.  Men, listen to your partners, believe me, it’s in your best interest if you want a mutually satisfying sexual foray.

But enough with the “how-to’s”, let’s get down to the real core of shared experience.  You will find more than enough articles online that will tell you the basics.  I guess I just wanted you to hear it from a woman who loves anal, rather than just reading another cookie-cutter  list either written from the male perspective, or by some arbitrary woman who you will always be wondering if she indeed had ever experienced what she’s written about.

I had had full-on anal penetration by a penis long before I’d ever experienced anal penetration by a finger.  I’m not sure why this is, but I’m going to guess because a lot of men don’t necessarily think of anal sex as being as pleasurable an experience for their female partners, as it is for them, and so they don’t think to play around too much that way when it doesn’t involve their cock.    When I finally had the experience of being fingered anally, it was on Valentine’s day.  Isn’t it funny how something like that can make you remember a holiday that usually gets remembered for it’s cards, flowers, and candy?  Well, I remembered it for the way it made me bloom, that’s for sure!

My partner at the time was going down on me, face buried between my thighs tonguing me, one hand wrapped around the curves of my upper thigh pressing me apart, as the other hand’s fingers made their way skillfully inside me, stroking, drawing in and up, circling, finding my g-spot with ease.  Vaginal fingering is an art, a painterly skill that not all men, despite what they think they know, actually posses.  This, this is a guaranteed way to make me cum, every time.  He was very good at it, despite the fact that he was terrible at all the other aspects of relationship.  Hey, I have to give credit where credit is due, but I digress.  It was in this moment when that V-Day became more than just about the V-J.

Yes, the hand that was once wrapped around my inner thigh had somehow surreptitiously made it’s way along the line of my inner thigh downward to the soft, puckered, rose-pink center of my primitive soul, and was slowly sliding a cautious finger inside.  In that instant, every peak and valley of sensation was heightened to the point of cosmic acuity.  It was a level of pleasure I had never experienced before.  That core-shaking intensity that had only come with g-spot orgasm, was now multiplied infinitesimally.  Every inch of my body shook from the very crux of my being, outward.  To this day, the orgasm from being double-penetrated while licked, is hands down the most intense and profoundly erotic for me.

“In that instant, every peak and valley of sensation was heightened to the point of cosmic acuity.”

From that “first” on, experimenting with all the sensation that area has to offer has continued.  I have found that I love being licked and sucked around my anus, or as it’s properly termed, “Rimming”.  It’s super sensitive, and feels divine.  It’s completely different than the clitoral kind of sensation.  It’s lighter, and yet more deeply felt, all at once.  It definitely won’t lead to an orgasm all by itself like clitoral stimulation will, but it’s a deliriously delicious part of the sensual journey.   It’s very primal, very carnal.  Maybe some of you are squicked by this very idea, and I can understand how you might be turned off at first.  Cleanliness is of the utmost of importance for this to be enjoyed for both the giving, as well as the receiving party.  And this is not an experience that is solely exclusive for women, some men love this too.

I have had several male lovers who also found this to be equally erotic for them.  When I rim a man there, I imagine that delicate area, and all it’s crests and crevices of skin, to be like a pussy; so subtle and sensitive, hidden and yet, exposed.  Similarly, because of the placement of the prostate inside the man’s anus, it is equally as pleasurable for a man to be penetrated while having a woman (or man, for that matter), suck his cock.  The orgasms from prostate stimulation are akin to those a woman experiences via G-Spot stimulation.  There is nothing emasculating about a man enjoying pleasure like this, despite whatever connections you may infer from my reference above about the anus as a pussy.  I rather like to think it takes a man very secure in himself, and his masculinity, to allow a woman to make love to him this way.  I, myself, as a woman find it highly erotic to make love to my male lovers like this.  I love the subtle shift of power, the unique passing of energetic opposites, that occurs between partners in moments like this.    It’s insanely erotic for me.

“There is nothing emasculating about a man enjoying pleasure like this, despite whatever connections you may infer from my reference.  I rather like to think it takes a man very secure in himself and his masculinity, to allow a woman to make love to him this way.”

One of the best anal sex positions for me is to be taken “doggy style”, a term I actually dislike, but hey, it’s an instant mental image none the less.  One of the very best aspects about this position for a woman during anal sex is the increased stimulation the clitoris receives.  Not only do you get the lovely sensations from your lovers cock inside you, but his balls and scrotum rub and stroke against your clitoris as he thrusts himself in and out.  I have actually orgasmed from this position several times.  Or, if you want to modify the position a bit, you can actually lay on your stomach and put a pillow (or two) underneath your hips to elevate them.  So, you get all the benefits of the previous position, plus you get allow your body to relax into the softness of the bed beneath you, and you have the added sensation of the warmth of your lovers stomach and chest skin brushing against your back as he moves in and out of you.  I rather like the latter position, as to me it feels deeply intimate.  It’s much more for languid “lovemaking”, rather than the morning quickie.

These are just a few ways that I enjoy anal play, and wanted to celebrate and share the ecstatic joys of from a female perspective.  My fellow sister sexplorers, I hope this has been helpful to you, and possibly even helped to alleviate some trepidations, or misconceptions, of anal sex for you.  And to my male sexplorers, I hope you learned something new about what your female partners perspective, or experiences with you, may be like.  As I always say, knowledge is power, and nothing is more sexy than a partner who desires not only to please, but to truly “know” your body, as well as theirs.

Tell Me What Ya Want, What Ya Really, Really, Want

(10 points to Gryffandor if you get that reference)

Have you ever had a lover say, “Tell me what you want”, while you were in bed (or whatever place you might find yourself naked and sexually entangled) together, or have you, yourself, asked this very question of a lover?

Here I am, this woman who has been lucky enough to learn the ins and outs of my sexuality fairly thoroughly;  I know what makes me tick, tock, and even KABOOM, and as I have explored along the way, I have also learned how to be comfortable enough with myself and my lover/s to ask for what I wanted.  It’s not an easy task to say the least, and it took time to get to that place.  It takes a real level of vulnerability that a lot of people just aren’t able to access, which can lead to amassing a collection of unsatisfying experiences.  But, hey we’ve all had those, so after awhile you just have to take that bull by it’s horns.

Knowledge is power, right?

But what if you ask for something that maybe the other person isn’t expecting to hear?  What if you ask for something that they’re just not into?

I have been lovers with a friend on and off for the better part of 17 years.  He’s known me since before I even knew what an orgasm with a partner was (the key words there being “with a partner”) when my “sexploration” was all new and shiny, and for the most part, uncharted territory,   It;s fairly safe to say that he came into my life just as I was about to embark on figuring out just who I was as a sexual creature.  In fact, I had my very first threesome _and_ my very first experience with a female lover, with him.  Ah, the memories…

Now, our sexual escapades together have been fairly low key as far as I’m concerned.  Stop laughing, the threesome I mentioned is mild compared to the meat of the journey…haha…but really, in truth, we’ve been fairly standard fare lovers with each other from that time out,  in light of where I have explored without him.    Recently, this year, he asked me “Tell me what you want….tell me what to do…”.

And then it happened; that awkward moment when I wished, in a moment of self-consciousness, that I could take my answer back.

“Do you like anal?”, I queried.  Silence.

“With the right person, and in the right moment”, he answered.

We have not spoken of it since.

And I knew that answer, which really is a “No”, before I even asked him.  I was caught in this moment that sounded like this in my head, “Oh, uh yeah, me either…just kidding….hee hee”, <covers face in embarrassment>  I knew that, because in all 17+ years of being lovers with him, he’s never “made a move”, nor implied in conversation, that he would like to add that to our sexual menu.  I, being the explorer, went out on a limb.

So, there is this stereotype that all men are just longing for the “so taboo” anal sex experience, and that they are always finding their female partners to be completely reluctant, if not totally against the idea of anything even remotely nudging the puckered pink door of their nether-regions.  And here I am, the apparently, female sexual anomaly, LOVING anal sex, now feeling more than mildly embarrassed for feeling so.

Ok, I get it, even I am picky about the circumstances of playing anally, but really, suddenly I was having this total feeling of school-girl embarrassment come over me, that I had not experienced for a long time.  And it’s not like we were new lovers, we had a rich sexual relationship.  The question here being more, “Why am I now embarrassed?”, more so than, “Why doesn’t he want to?”, because honestly, we all have those things that trip our triggers, and while that might be high on my list, it doesn’t mean it will be even be a blip on his radar.

Stereotypes may have some truth, but are not an across the board rule book, and that goes both ways.  There are men that love anal, men that don’t, women that love anal, and women that will strangle the shit out of you if you even dare think about trying it.

I am one of those rare exceptions, and I love it!

So, my intrepid sexplorers, remember this; “Tell me what you want”, is as difficult a question to answer, as it is to ask.  Have some respect for the vulnerability that it takes to answer, just as you would like for having done the asking.  And always, prepare to be surprised.