Just What Are You Referring To?

This was just too funny not to share.  Below you have the most popular things searched for that referred them to my super saucy little black dress of a blog. That means that someone Googled, Yahoo’d, or Binged these interesting words or phrases and it led them right here.

These are the results for the last 30 days.

Search Views
saposexual 42
erogenous 3
what is saposexual 2
meaning of saposexual 2
customizable erogenous stories 1
femaleanalsex 1
tips for beginning dominant 1
enormous stories cock female doctor 1
define: saposexual 1
saposexual definition 1
bd for beginners sex 1
wjat is saposexual 1
spanking with a silicone spatula for fun 1
lady cheeky sex positions pics 1
dr ruth sucks cock

 

I particularly love the very last one “Dr Ruth sucks cock”.  Now THAT my friends is kinky!

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In Praise of Vanilla: Sexual Expression and Acceptance

Things on here have been seriously heavy on the kink side lately, so I think it’s time to dial it back a notch, and give some equal share time to the other tasty aspects of sexuality.  When I started this blog I didn’t want to focus on just the kinky aspects alone, because my sexuality has really run the gamut, and all of it has been a delicious and valid.  Actually, I think experiencing various forms of kink has made vanilla even better.  Maybe this is because my vanilla isn’t really vanilla, but who is to say for sure.  Sometimes vanilla gets a bad rap in the kink community, and I think unfairly so.  If we can hold space for everyone to have and enjoy their own personal kink of choice without judgement, then why can we not extend that same acceptance to those for whom vanilla is their lovestyle of choice?

Photo Courtesy of Make Better Food

I’m the kind of gal who likes to sample all the flavors, and my tastes are continually changing.  I find it difficult to pick a “favorite” anything.  I have certain things I enjoy more than others, and just what that “flavor” may be, vacillates depending on any number of variables.  I think it’s fair to say that the majority of us are also not static creatures; our desires and tastes ebb and flow, grow and change as we do as individuals.  I don’t experience and express my sexuality the same way I did as a teenager, or even as I did throughout my 20’s, because I’m just not the same person I was then that I am now.  What I think of as vanilla sex now, is definitely not even close to what I once might have defined it as, but that doesn’t mean that one is any less valid than the other.  My sexuality at each stage was congruent to who I was as a person, and where I was along my own path of growth.

As we move through our lives, we continually meet people who will alter the person we know ourselves to be currently. Through our intimate connections with others, whether emotional or physical, or a combination thereof, we are transformed.  With the addition of each interaction, and the intensity and depth of the connection, we are inextricably changed.  Whether this change is conscious or unconscious, by choice or consequence, it is impossible to remain a constant in the wake of such forces.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical
substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed”  – Carl Jung, psychiatrist (1875-1961)

I think those of us who have been involved with either the kink community, or even just exploring kink privately, feel like we have been so unfairly judged, and wrongfully dismissed, by those who are purely vanilla, that there is some residual anger and resentment there.  We’re a little raw from being called “weird” or “wrong” by those who have a more closed-minded, color inside the lines idea of what sexual expression is, and so we tend to transfer all of those feelings of being rejected and sullied, onto the entire vanilla lovestyle.  Unfortunately, that’s a blanket judgement made about an entire group of people, when perhaps only a percentage of that group feels that way.  In reality, this is just as unfair to those who practice vanilla sex solely, as it is to those of us who are unfairly labeled for exploring and enjoying kink.  Those of us that do so are only perpetuating that same rigidity.  And that means that those of us who think we are somehow more open-minded, more advanced in our being because of this, are in actuality, hypocrites.

While I have been using the terms of “vanilla” vs. “kink” speaking about the expression of sexuality as if it were these two areas were polar opposites, it’s important to remember and acknowledge that there is a lot of gray area here in both.  It brings to mind the Kinsey Scale of Sexual Orientation in which Kinsey proposed that only a small minority of us are actually completely straight or gay, and that most of us are on a varying scale of degrees of bisexuality.

“Males/Females do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories… The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.” – Kinsey, (1948)

These kinds of dichotomies can often be witnessed in other areas related to sexuality and relationships, such as in the great debate that exists between those who are monogamous vs. polyamorous.  The Poly community, while professing a more progressive stance on love and relationship, discounts those who would consider themselves monogamous, as people who are somehow emotionally or spiritually stunted in their understanding and expression of love.  The monogamy community, while not wanting to be discounted and belittled for their choice of a single partner relationship, condemns those who choose Polyamory (multiple-partner relationships with full disclosure), as unscrupulous and promiscuous heathens, who only seek pleasure for pleasure’s sake, at the cost of experiencing real emotional depth and connection.  Essentially, both communities want the same thing: to both be seen as valid and acceptable relationship choices, with neither one or the other being the superior choice.  Regardless, the argument between them still remains despite this, with both sides failing to understand that by invalidating the other, they also invalidate their own position as well.  It is imperative that both sides understand this in order to move past this impasse, and grow.

Photo Courtesy of The Cut AboveI do not ascribe my lovemaking to any singular definition. The expression of my sexuality is fluid, and without the confines of a if “this, than “that”” mentality.  I am neither vanilla or kink solely.  It may seem trite to say, but I am much more a connoisseur of “swirl”, when faced with the choice of either vanilla or chocolate.  I want the freedom to choose what I want sexually in the moment, instead of feeling like I have somehow backslid in my personal evolution because I don’t always want sex to include some level of BD/SM or kink play.  Sometimes, just two naked people, physically and emotionally, is pretty damn hot.  And sometimes two people with some wrists restraints, a spreader bar, and a paddle is too.  Both are equally capable of producing mind-blowing, ecstatically juicy results!

It’s important that we all recognize that sexuality and relationship born of consent, is an individual expression, and that no one’s personal expression of it is any more valid than any other.  We all bring to our sexuality a unique bouquet of biology, background, and experience, and that these are often in relation to who we are in that moment; no more or less progressive or evolved than another.  Embrace each others differences, respect each others boundaries, and be open to the possibility that sexuality is more than just how you experience it as an individual.

Beyond Fifty Shades: 6 Tips for the Beginning Dominant Exploring BD/SM

You’ve just read Fifty Shades of Grey, or maybe your partner has, and now your curiosity about BD/SM play has seriously piqued.  Taking the fantasy inspired by books, and bringing it into fruition in the bedroom may seem a little daunting at first, especially to a beginning Dom/me.  Here are five key ingredients that every Dom/me should remember when beginning their new adventure into the world of BD/SM play.

1) Communication

Communication is lubrication, I always say!  What better way to get the erotic juices flowing than to talk about your fantasies with each other!  Communication is an extremely important part of any relationship, but even more important in the realm of BD/SM play.  Whether you and your partner have been together for awhile, or are new to one another, ask your partner what their fantasies are, what new experiences they would like to try and explore, as well as what things they are not into, and do not wish to do.  This will give an erotic map of sorts, and makes a fantastic starting point for exploring this new journey into kink together.

You can also fill out what is known in the community as the “Play Partner Checklist“.  If you’re just starting out this list can seem a bit overwhelming and scary, but it too will provide both you and your partner with a starting point for more advanced exploration, as well as a list of negotiable and hard limits.  Knowledge is power!

2) Mutual Satisfaction

Domination is not simply about ordering your submissive around, and having your own desires met.  It’s about mutual satisfaction and fulfillment.  A lot of people new to D/s exploration assume that, as the Dominant in the relationship, it’s all about meeting their own fantasies and desires, when that is simply not the case.

Your submissive has fantasies and desires too, as well as needs to be met just as you have.  Finding out what those are, and blending them with your own in a harmonious way, will bring a symphony of erotic pleasure and fulfillment for the both of you.  D/s is a dynamic in which we exchange power, and that power flows from the bottom, up to the Top.  Remember, your submissive is giving you a gift in their submission to you.  Respect it, and use it wisely.

3) It’s All In Your Head – Imagination Is Key

Leather pants and a flogger does not, a Dominant, make!  It’s very easy as a new Dom/me to get caught in the trappings of toys like floggers and riding crops, and forget about the mental and emotional aspects of Dominance and submission.  Flex your mental muscles and use your imagination.  Create an aura of Dominance using just the way you move, speak (or don’t speak), and act.

Look to characters in books and movies to inspire you.  What is it about them that makes them a good example of Dominance in your eyes?  For me, it was always a cross between Linda Carter as Wonder Woman and Diana, the leader of the alien invasion in the mini-series “V”.  Find what inspires those feelings in you,  and make it your own.

4) Ingenuity

Again, it’s easy to get caught up in all of the new gear that the world of BD/SM play has to offer.  While nothing beats the smell of a new suede flogger, having one from the start is not a necessity.  You don’t need to go out and spend hundreds of dollars on toys to start having a good time playing!  A little ingenuity goes a long way!

That handy silicone spatula from your kitchen makes a great spanking tool, as does the flat back of a hairbrush!  The aisles at your local pet store will be most useful as you choose which pretty colored nylon collar and leash to use with your new submissive. Or have fun repurposing that cat toy, the plastic wand with a feather on the end, as a caning/sensation toy on your new submissive!  One of my favorite toys is a battery operated electric fly swatter; a paddle with the added bonus of an electric “zap”!

You would be surprised just what kind of toys you can come up with with just a little stretch of the imagination, and little stretch on the budget.  Have fun with it!

5) Safety – Physical and Emotional

Safety is an important part of good play.  Remember, one of your most important roles as a Dominant is caretaker of your submissive.  Make sure you know what you’re doing, and be prepared in case of an emergency.  A pair of EMT sheers is great, and I think a must, to have in your play bag.  They will cut through rope, leather, or clothing in a hurry, without risking cutting your submissive in the process.  It’s better to lose that expensive leather than it is to lose, or endanger, the life of your submissive.  If you get a new toy and are unsure how it may feel, the best way to find out is to test it on yourself first.  This way you not only know how it feels, but what the effect would be with varied application, or on various areas of the body.

Also, remember that beyond the physical aspect, you are also in care of your submissive’s emotional well-being, too.  Designate a safe word; a word that when spoken, will mean that all play must cease immediately.  A safe word should not be words like “No” or “Stop”, as these are sometimes fun to say in scene play.  Instead, it should be something that is totally unrelated and wouldn’t be something that you would unconsciously utter in the course of play, like “Banana” or “Trumpet”.

6) Aftercare

Lastly remember that it takes a lot of vulnerability, emotionally as well as physically,  to submit to another, so respect that your submissive will need some “after care” beyond the scene itself.  The adrenaline and endorphins heightened during a scene often cause drastic changes in mood afterwards.  This is sometimes refereed to as  “Sub Drop”.  Be aware of this, and make sure to check in with your parter even a day or so after the scene has ended to make sure they are feeling emotionally secure.

With these tips in mind, you are well on your way to some exciting and delicious D/s play.   Remember, in this age of readily available instant information research is your friend.  Learn as much as you can, to be the best that you can.  Have fun, and play safe!  Want more advice on how to be a better Dominant? Contact Portia!

A Foray Into Fetish

Having been immersed in the BD/SM community for the entire span of my 20’s, it wasn’t long into my journey before I learned there was a whole rainbow of “kinkdom” out there, and my area of it was only scratching the surface.  During that time I was constantly meeting people who had all sorts of different fetishes; Crossdressing, Foot Worship, Humiliation, Sissification (Forced feminization), Infantilism, Electrosex, Kinbaku (Japanese Rope Bondage), and even clothing fetishes like Latex and Corseting.  Yes, there is a fetish for just about everything from soup to nuts, well, more like even nuts in soup: Sploshing (I admit, the thought of having an erotic food fight, or a food play scenario like the one in the film 9 1/2 Weeks, turns me on).


Naka Akira, one of Japan’s leading kinbakushi, performing at Toubaku, international shibari festival, in Tokyo 2011. Source: Esinem

I can’t claim to like all of those fetishes even as a concept, let alone understand them all, but I do feel that we’re all entitled to explore our sexuality in whatever way we choose, and joyously so, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.  After all, we all have something that turns us on that maybe, just maybe, might not be quite someone else’s cup of tea, so its best not to be too harsh a critic of your fellow sexplorer’s bedtime fun.

The BD/SM world seems to be this marvelous crossover playground where a lot of fetishes overlap and mingle.  This certainly doesn’t mean that every person into D/s and BD/SM is into any, or all, of these fetishes, but a lot of these fetishes fall under the umbrella of play that are often labeled “D/s” (Dominance and submission).  Picture those cool Venn diagrams where the circles have both separate and overlapping areas illustrating the relationships between things, and there you have fetishes and the kink world.

My first personal experience with Foot Worship came a few years before I delved into the BD/SM world.  I used to be a regular at showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show on 8th St. in Manhattan when I first went to college in the early 90’s, and one of my fellow regulars, part of the group that took me in and quickly made me a part of their crew, loved feet.  And when I say he loved feet, I mean he LOVED feet!  He loved watching me wiggle my toes, he got doe-eyed watching me arch my foot to stretch and point my toes, and as soon as I became aware of this through keen observation, I would do them more obviously in his presence.  The not quite matured Dominant aspect of my nature thoroughly enjoyed this.  I reveled in the thought that it was erotically torturous for him to watch me, and I took advantage of this whenever I could.   It helped that I had an interest in him sexually, as sexuality ties heavily into D/s for me.  In short, they are inextricably linked for me.  Well, maybe not in all cases, but usually 95% of the time anyway.

The object of his affection: my feet

Soon, as he became comfortable with me, and aware that we shared a mutual attraction, I allowed this aspect of our relationship to grow.  I remember one night where he literally massaged and rubbed my stocking feet for what seemed like an hour before one show.  I was somewhat repulsed by it at first, as I knew my tired, stocking-clad tootsies were definitely not the most pleasant smelling.  Oh, but that was just like icing on the cake for him, as he totally got off on stinky feet, and the more it smelled like you had been walking around all day, the better!  I wouldn’t even want to be near my feet after that, but to each his own.  Good on ya, mate!

Another night I even allowed him to suck my toes and lick my feet.  I know some women actually find this feeling erotic, no fetish included, but then, to me, it just felt weird.  It certainly did nothing for me sexually, but he really enjoyed it, and so I acquiesced to his desire, as it certainly wasn’t a deal breaker.  I suppose I should’ve looked at it like getting a foot massage with a mouth. LOL  I had another experience with my toes being sucked by a lover just a year or so ago, and um, let’s just say under the right circumstances, I think my toes have tiny clits on them, but I digress. =)

A few years later as I forayed into my experience with BD/SM, I began to learn that this form of fetish had it roots in submission, and I as a Dominant Female, or Mistress if you please, became well aware that my stiletto-sporting feet, and the nylon-wearing legs they were attached to, were in high demand by submissive men with foot fetishes.  I intended to milk this fetish for all it was worth.  And when I say worth people, I mean I saw dollar signs.

I was not alone in my ingenuity either!  My partner in crime and best friend, Domina Blue, saw the monumental eBay potential to be gleamed.  She was not only a Domina like me, but shared my eBay obsession as well.  Blue encouraged me to list my well-worn stockings, socks, high heels, and even busted-out old sneakers for auction.  Alas, eBay didn’t like such auctions, and quickly cancelled them despite overwhelmingly rapid bidding response!  Apparently the selling of erotically marketed used clothing did not jive with their policies.  Foiled again.  I’d expect a little more from a company from California, land of the “out there”!

Ah, thank you, eBanned!  eBanned is the cleverly created “adult only” auction site for all things fetish that are not allowed on eBay.  Smelly socks?  Worn panties?  Trashed out high heels?  You name it, you can sell, or buy it, on eBanned.  Honestly, you’re just going to throw out your old socks, so why do that when you can sell them to some foot-sniffing, sock lover for $20, who will love them in his own special way?  And please don’t think me callus in that statement, as those loving footboys understand what a true pleasure it is that I allowed them.

It’s not only a no-brainer as far as the profit margins go, but it’s also the most cleverly concealed form of recycling ever devised!  And who doesn’t care about the environment these days, right?  I was such an innovator in the realm of “repurposing” back then, and I didn’t even realize it.  And hey, it’s like getting your shoes for free, because once you have worn them enough that you need new ones, you can end up selling your beat up heels for anywhere from half, up to what they originally cost you, or more!  I sold a pair of 6″ red patent, ankle strap, stilettos that I had worn out for $85+ to a guy from Germany!  They cost me less than half that.

Of course it’s not just the object itself, but the symbolism behind it, as well as the scent infused in it.  To smell your feet, see the wear and imagine your perfect feet carving a path across a crowded room as all eyes fell on you, and imagine the life you lived in them as they worship every aspect of your Goddesshood; that, it’s that those footboys desire.  It could be a high heel, a sneaker, a cute cotton athletic sock, or the sexiest pair of silk stockings.  It’s whatever their proclivity is, whatever fantasy you choose to weave, and whatever piece of your world you deem them fit to enjoy the morsel of.

I call that a win/win, don’t you?

It’s been years since I employed such craftiness in both the realm of fetish, and of the more creative marketplace.  My early 30’s have been about the more “swirly” aspects of vanilla sexual expression, and that is fine with me.  I go where my desire leads me.  I haven’t taken part in this area of e-commerce for a good long time.  That is, until recently.  Of course, that is a story for another day.

Do you have any fetishes?  Care to share with me?

Fifty Shades of Tickled Pink

Finally, that fluffy excuse for a BD/SM novel has met it’s maker!  Hallelujah!

As seen on the shelves at Target

I suppose, while I can knock it’s poorly written pages all I want, kudos to Fifty Shades of Grey and the likes of E L  James for bringing Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series, and with it, the boundlessly erotic BD/SM world, into the hands of sex-starved wives (and husbands) everywhere!  As I wrote in my recent post, “Coffee, Sleeping Beauty, and BD/SM”, it was the book, The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, that charged and changed my erotic life forever, and I am so much richer for it!  I am thrilled that now, having been thrust into market again, this series will enjoy a whole new generation of fans.

It was only by chance that I even knew what it was, but back in April I was in my dermatologists office waiting for my appointment to begin, when I had the pleasure of reading Katie Rolphe’s article in Newsweek  on how spanking, and the notions of Dominance and submission as erotic paradigms, were trending their way into the bedrooms of women across America via the book Fifty Shades of Grey.  I thought to myself that this was nothing new (at least to me), having seen the intensely erotic movies Secretary, and 9 1/2 Weeks, several years before, but I suppose with the recent cultural fascination with vampires and all things dark and seductive, it was only a matter of time before the BD/SM world got it’s turn in the limelight.

I had one of the best laughs of the year when an acquaintance of mine, a soccer mom of three in her early 40’s, had asked me if I’d read it.  What a marvelous coincidence that I had just read the article mentioning that book the very day before this query came.  When I told her that I had yet to read it, but have heard of it, she proceeded to sing the praises of it’s bodaciously, tawdry, D/s theme.  I got such a kick out of sitting back and listening to her swoon romantically about this apparently new erotic landscape for her (and her husband), all the while having had such a rich and vibrant sexual history of play in the realms of BD/SM and D/s, myself.  It wasn’t until she said something about how she had told her husband, upon having reading the book, that she thought they might need a “playroom” of their own, and how I would “understand just what that meant after you read the book”, that I just couldn’t contain myself any longer, and let out a hearty giggle, as a Cheshire Cat smile made its way playfully across my face.  It should come as no surprise to you that this same woman is also a rabid fangirl of the Twilight series.

So while I can joke about it all I want, I have to sincerely and graciously extend a hearty “Thank You” to that sappy cheese-bomb of paperback erotic fiction, for having brought this once dark and forbidden world of kink, unabashedly into the mainstream erosphere!  E L  James, I salute you!

Coffee, Sleeping Beauty, and BD/SM

Throughout my childhood growing up, both of my parents loved coffee. In fact, most adults I knew loved coffee.  So, when I became that age where curiosity about many things starts to get the best of you, I decided to experiment with coffee.  I figured it was like the gateway drug to adulthood, and I wanted in.

I was maybe 10 or 11 when I had my first experience.  We were at my older cousin Joanne’s bridal shower, and had finally come to that part of the afternoon when some pseudo form of wedding-like cake was served, and they gave all us “kids” sodas, and poured all the adults tiny cups of that lusciously aromatic, deep brown, goodness.  So, being the bold and intrepid girl I was, I asked for a cup, and was met with no resistance.  I felt so mature, so sophisticated.  I’m pretty sure I even did that dainty little pinky finger lift that most women seem to automatically do when holding elegant glassware.  I was about to leave those other kids my age in the dust, and be promoted into the ranks of sophisticated adults who drank coffee.  Who knew what the world would meet me with then!  I was already calculating all the possibilities on the horizon before me.

One sip and I knew; YUCK! That stuff just wasn’t for me.  It would appear I was still, no matter how much I protested, a kid.

By the time college came, I was fairly sure I was going to wake up any day now and like coffee.  All my classmates were coming to morning and afternoon classes with a cup from the corner deli, but I was still clinging to my old stand by, Diet Coke.  I would pass coffee shops and smell that seductive aroma of Columbian roast, but alas, no matter how much I sweetened it, or added milk to it, I just couldn’t get past its bitter taste.  I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how something so deliriously wonderful smelling, could taste so repulsive.  I finally just had to admit it wasn’t for me.

And then, on a road trip with my father, it happened.  At a rest stop on the NYS Thruway, he had me go in to the Starbucks and get him a cup of coffee to help him re-caffeinate.  It was summer, and the line was somewhat long. As I waited for my turn, admittedly somewhat impatiently, I saw the words that would change my life forever, “Iced Caramel Latte“.  I suppose I should now, looking back, be thankful for being made to wait long enough to pay attention to this colorfully written chalk board advertisement that was about to change my fate.

I thought, “Caramel, how bad could that be? If I hate it, I’ll just give it to Dad.”  I went back to the car, handed him his coffee, and we proceeded down the highway.  He eyed my iced latte with peaked curiosity, knowing that I was not a coffee person.  Yet.

The first few sips; meh. Still, I kept right on sipping.

Halfway through; this isn’t that bad.

By the time only ice remained, and I found myself wiggling the straw around at the bottom to find any last remaining droplet; I…wanted…MORE.  Oh coffee, you subversive vixen, you!

I was hooked. I wanted more iced lattes, and I wanted them NOW.  I thought, “I wonder if this is the only kind of coffee I like?”, and so in the days and weeks that would follow this magical mystery trip, I experimented with all kinds of caffeinated concoctions.  My mind was blown wide open, and my taste buds were screaming more, more, MORE!  I ordered hot caramel lattes, cappuccinos, macchiatos, and even good ole’ plain coffee, light and sweet.  I drank them alone in the privacy of my own home, with friends, and even in public!  I had no shame.  I was now all about the coffee.

But what do you do when the opposite happens?  What do you do when something that really tripped your trigger for years, now suddenly isn’t even a blip on your radar?

This is what happened to me with BD/SM.

During my first year in college there was a course given on Erotic Literature.  I desperately wanted to take this course, but it unfortunately always fell on a day that I had conflicting classes.  Luckily for me I discovered one day, by sheer chance, that our school bookstore labeled all the books on the shelves with what course they were needed for, and so I decided that if I couldn’t take the course, I could at least read the course materials.  Among the books there were erotic poems by Rumi, and a curious book enticingly titled, The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.  It was this book that would change my sexual life in the most exciting and profound ways.

I’m not what you would call an avid reader, as I don’t just devour books for the sake of simply liking the subject matter.  I need to be pulled in, seduced in a way that I just cannot seem to pull myself out of the story or subject matter, and few books seem to accomplish this for me.  Most books I can read little snippets of here and there, but ones I truly love, ones that are remarkably captivating, I cannot seem to put down long enough to remember that I need to both eat and sleep at some point.  The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Roquelaure (or for those not in the know, Anne Rice) did this for me.  This book makes today’s Fifty Shades of Gray look like that teen-fandom hit, Twilight, but I digress.

Before reading this book, I had no idea what BD/SM was, let alone even heard of it before.  My idea of sex growing up was shaped by overly dramatic romance-novel-esque scenes from soap operas, or steamy scenes from movies, and one really bad porn movie.  None of these even hinted at the idea that pain could ever be a pleasurable thing, or dominance, or giving over one’s power to another.  As I started reading “Claiming”, I was extraordinarily shocked and repulsed!  Here was this young girl who I imagined to be around my age then, 18, who was being forcibly taken by these mysterious men, spanked, prodded, handled like a piece of meat, and taken away to some unknown kingdom where she was put in service of a cruel Queen who had a thing for hairbrush spankings, and I was just thrown!  How could they do this to her?  Why would anyone imagine this kind of cruelty could be erotic?  There was nothing sexy about this.

But I couldn’t put it down! I couldn’t stop reading!  I was so entranced, so beguiled, and I was getting wetter and wetter with each page turn.  I had never read a book so quickly in my life.  My whole erotic world was being turned on its head, and I somehow knew then that nothing would ever be the same.

I was lucky at that time to be living in NYC, because as most good cities will have, a host of clubs were around that catered to this fringy new passion of mine.  I was bold enough then, and fearless enough, that the idea of waltzing in to unknown territory didn’t seem to intimidate me much.  In retrospect, a nubile 18-year-old in club Hellfire is like sending a unicorn into a field surrounded by hunters with full quivers!  I had no idea what role I wanted to play (Dominant or submissive), all I knew was that I wanted to experiment with it all.  And that I did.

In the years that followed throughout my 20’s, and long after I eventually moved upstate and out of the city, I gradually dipped my toes deeper and deeper into the pool of the BD/SM world.  I was tied up, down, corseted, spanked, flogged, waxed, clamped, you name it, and I was also on the giving end of all of those experiences as well.  My first real kink relationship was with a man who was my submissive, and we spent many a weekend in the city at Paddles exploring joyous hours of public play.  This was back when Paddles was on 17th St., and had all sorts of deviously wonderful theme rooms.  My favorite of which will always be the throne room because it had this perfectly placed ornate gold framed mirror, flanked by two pillars that had wrist and ankle cuffs with pulleys attached to them.  Oh, how can you not see the inherent perfection in that design?  Have you ever seen a real live human puppet show before? I have!  I make a fabulous puppet master, er, Mistress!

In my late 20’s I ended up in another relationship that took a different avenue.  I guess you could say that I was predominantly a Dominant, but for the right kind of man, I longed to submit.  I’m not sure I could tell you in words just exactly what this “perfect storm” of a combination was for me, but suffice it to say that it was a serious interplay of physical desire interwoven with a mental prowess, which created a sort of magnetism that is insanely intoxicating.  I imagine this is what a moth experiences as it watches a flame dance.  I have only felt his 3 times in my life thus far.  As if the yin of the universe yearned for its yang, so did the turning of my experiential tide.  Thus began my first 24/7 Dom/sub relationship with me as the submissive.

I had met someone who seemed to just innately pull this desire forth from me.  He was much newer to the exploration of BD/SM than I was, but somehow this did not detour me.  I suppose because I trusted that with the right about of information, he would be more than capable.  That’s how it originally started; he came to me for my expertise. We talked, and played around a little together Topping another woman (his wife), together, which was all rather mild newbie play.  But I could see he wanted more.  I could tell he wanted to go deeper, harder, more intensely into this new realm.  I wanted to experience that for myself, giving myself up to anothers’ will as someone had once done so beautifully for me.  And so I offered myself to him this way, gave him full reign, with only my checklist of “yes”, “no”, and “Definitely not”‘s to guide him. It was like falling down the rabbit hole, and here I was, Alice tumbling into who knows where.  My only “out” was a safe word that would, upon utterance, terminate everything.

During the course of this relationship no corner seemed left unturned.  Of all the tastes I enjoyed: spanking, flogging, restraint, knife play, wax, anal play, to name a few, there were many that I would be exposed to that I did not find palatable.   Humiliation of various kinds was most intolerable for me.  Even more jarring to my soul perhaps though, was to be “dropped”; riding that great build up, the rising crescendo of powerfully erotic exchanges, only to be left hanging without sexual release.  This was, as the cards would have it, part and parcel of being involved with someone who needs to also concern themselves with the care of another loved one, who might not be so thrilled by their partner’s kinky extramarital relationship.  It was all though, in its intensity and fullness, balanced none the less.

For the year and a half that this relationship grew, blossomed, and eventually withered, it was beyond intoxicating for me. Our BD/SM play was all I could think about, dream about, long for.  It’s the closest thing to an addiction that I have ever had.  I would day dream for hours about what our next scenes would include.  I would create elaborate fantasies within my dreamscape, put them to paper, and he would recreate them with his own style.  Every breath that passed between my lips, every thought that flickered through, every inch of skin, and every fiber of my soul yearned for that seemingly insatiable exchange of power.  It was my drug, and it coursed through my veins like horses with wild abandon.

And then, without warning or foreshadow, it was gone. Just like that.

I have often wondered if perhaps that relationship had somehow completed within me, the two halves of the whole; light and dark, form and shadow. I don’t know why, or how, and I have yet to adequately explain it, if it’s explainable at all, but somehow that circuit in my sexual appetite reached completion. I entered into my 30’s a new person, with new desires and undiscovered tastes, but the old hungers are just whispers, now sated.

I’m not done exploring the vast and expansive menu of sexuality and eroticism, it’s just that, like coffee, my taste has inexplicably and forever, changed.