Well, Now What?: The Making of a Sexual Bucket List

So, as I was noodling around on Facebook this evening I came across this post from a friend which kind of made me bat my eyelashes in disbelief.  The Sexual Bucket List: 50 Things To Do Sexually Before You Die lists 50 things that the author, a fellow woman, believes to be the “must do’s” of the sexual experience, and while it may be a good start, I’m sorry, but this list needs serious revision.  Some of this stuff is just so vanilla that it’s beyond vanilla.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of vanilla sex as you may remember reading (In Praise of Vanilla), but if you’re going to make a sexual “Bucket List”, it had better have some bells and whistles!

First, allow me to go through the author’s sexual bucket list one by one.  I haven’t done all of the things she lists, but it’s kind of surprising what I have vs. what I have not.  Some of the things listed make me think the author had a very difficult time coming up with 50 things to do sexually.  My sexuality isn’t quite so limited in it’s explorations and desires.

  1. Kiss a girl – “I kissed a girl, for the first time, I kissed a girl, and I just might do it again…”
  2. Have anal – Received and given (with fingers and a strap-on for the giving end.  Rest assured, I have no penis. LOL
  3. Have a threesome – Done it (both FFM and MMF)
  4. Engage in group sex – Isn’t this really the same thing?  Ok, so I’ve went up to 4, how’s that for a group?
  5. Have phone sex – Done it.  Phone sex always makes me a little nervous, and I’ve never really been able to figure out why.
  6. Masturbate – Um, seriously?  Does this even need to be on the list?  Isn’t this a no brainer?
  7. Use a vibrator – Again, really?
  8. Use a sex toy on someone else – Just one?
  9. Be tied up – Too many times to count
  10. Tie someone up – Same answer as #8
  11. Have sex in a public space – Always looking for new places! Suggestions?
  12. Be a voyeur and watch others having sex (live, porn does not count) – Where I wasn’t a part of it?  Hmm, I don’t think so.
  13. Sex in a car – More than a few
  14. Sex at a drive-in – Is there another reason to go to a drive in?  Actually, there must be because I have yet to have sex at the drive-in.
  15. Mile-high club – We decided the bathroom was too small, so, no.
  16. Sex with a stranger – I knew him for about 20 minutes, does that count?
  17. One-night stand – More like a “One afternoon stand”
  18. Married sex (the best kind, in my opinion) – Yep, it wasn’t my best, but at the age of 21 you really don’t know what “good sex” really is yet.
  19. Sex on a boat – Nope, can’t say I have…yet
  20. Sex in a body of water – I’ve had sex in a few pools, but never in the ocean.  I really need to rectify that.
  21. Light spanking – I’m sorry, I literally just LOL’d when I read this one again.  Bare handed, hairbrush, paddle, and of all of the above, I prefer a nice firm hand.
  22. Read erotica – Yawn.  I write it.  I wrote my first story in 8th grade, and my English teacher leaned over my desk and said to me, “I don’t think that’s currently what we’re studying”.  True story, bro!
  23. Play strip poker/Monopoly/card game – I lost, or won, not sure who really loses in that game. =)
  24. Sex in the shower – So many showers, so many!
  25. Sex standing up against a wall – Against the wall of the shower and in a movie theater bathroom stall.
  26. Sex with no kissing – Sex MUST include kissing!  I am far too oral to consider sex without lips on lips.
  27. Sex in the pitch black – Again, really? Who the fuck puts this on a sexual bucket list?  
  28. Sex in the broad daylight – Outdoors in the sun!
  29. Making out with no sex long after you’re no longer a virgin – I was just thinking about this today.  I had the most gloriously sexy 2-hour make out session with a man I was long-time friends with, and although we attempted to make a date to finish that energy off in sexual crescendo we never ended up doing so.  
  30. Sex in a tent in the wilderness – On a volcano no less!  Also out in the woods many a time.
  31. Watch porn together – While  yes, I have done this (and with my ex-husband), I don’t find porn sexy.  Ugly people who obviously aren’t even enjoying themselves does nothing for me.  
  32. Watch porn alone – When I was 12 I watched a porn film that I stole from my brother’s secret stash.  It was called something like “The Layout”.  It turned me on, but it was really stupid and cheesy.
  33. Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms – Yes, but I prefer them with partners.
  34. Sex on the beach – On a lifeguard shack on the beach in the Virgin Islands
  35. Blindfolds – Occasionally
  36. Using ice sexually – Ice, chocolate sauce, Nutella, ice cream, pudding, fruit, jam, juice, and even a cucumber.
  37. Sexual role play – I was a bad, bad, girl, and I needed to be punished.  
  38. Whipped cream – Yawn
  39. La Perla lingerie sex – It’s lingerie, really?  It frightens me that this even needs to be listed.
  40. Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie sex – Same as 39
  41. Sex with someone much older – I used to always date older men, but the degrees of separation varied.  When I was 23 I had sex with a man who was then 45.  I thick 22 years is the greatest difference.
  42. Sex with someone younger (legal!) – Last year I had sex with someone who was 25.  I was 37.
  43. Sex in a foreign country, possibly with a foreigner – I’ve had sex in Canada and the guy was Canadian, does that even count?
  44. A quickie in a skirt – A quick what?  I’m sure I’ve had sex in a skirt before.
  45. A longie in the rain – A “longie”? Again, I laugh out loud.  I’ve kissed in the rain, but never had sex in the rain before.
  46. Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you – Not yet
  47. Feather ticklers – My ex-husband and I used to go to this craft store in the mall across the street from my college apartment in Jersey City, and we would buy all sorts of crazy things just to raise their eyebrows.  We bought a peacock feather and had lots of fun both in, and out, of that store.
  48. Sex while “altered” whether by alcohol or something else – Yes, more than once.
  49. Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes from intercourse alone – Well, I never really timed it.
  50. Silent sex in a full house – For anyone that knows me intimately, they know how much of a challenge this is for me, but yes, I’ve done it.  It wasn’t truly “silent” though, just quieter than the usual go-around.

Now, another friend had started my thoughts kindling on this a few months ago when he asked me if,  given my sexual openness, there was anything left that I had not yet done that I wanted to do.  At the time I really had a hard time coming up with something I felt I had a yearning to try.

polyFor the longest time I had wanted to have a threesome with two men.  I had had numerous threesomes where it was me, a male lover, and another woman, but the MMF threesome eluded me.  I was once lovers with a man and his best friend at the same time, just not in the same bed.  There was one night where we all got friendly together on the living room floor, but eventually one of them bowed out, and left the two of us alone to finish the evening off.  Those men, not so into each other sexually.  In my opinion, and in my ultimate fantasy of this MMF threesome, both men have to at least be sexually “friendly” enough to share a bed together and not freak out if they end up touching.  In short, this would work best with bi men, but at least with men who are bi-sensual.  Of course, I’m kind of greedy, and the whole point of the MMF threesome is to have two men ravishing me.

In July of 2012 I finally did get to have my MMF threesome with two bi-friendly (well hell, they were REALLY friendly, but I can’t claim either one as  out as bisexual), however it was not quite what I had expected.  It was great, don’t get me wrong.  It was incredibly sexy, and in some ways, it fulfilled more than one long-dreamt of fantasy bucket list item (the second being the combination of the 3 of us), but it happened too quickly for me to be completely comfortable with it.  I blame tequila and snap decision making.  The one man and I have been long time lovers.  In the list answers above he was the 45 yr old man I slept with when I was 23.  There’s a whole separate post here that I have been meaning to write, so I’l save the story for later and get back to the idea of what’s left on my bucket list.

So, what’s left?

Without further ado, here is my sexual bucket list.

Portia Blush’s Sexual Bucket List of Must Do’s (Or Must Do Over’s)

  1. I want a “do-over” on the male/male/female threesome.  Definitely.  It probably would not be with the same original two men.
  2. Fisting – I want to finally experience all 5 fingers inside me, a whole hand filling me.  The lover that I explored this with extensively could never get the wide part of his hand inside me, so we only got up to 4.
  3. Sex in a glass elevator – Not sure why, but this has always been a fantasy of mine
  4. Fucking a male lover with a strap on – Ever since I dated a bi guy in college I have had fantasies about it.  I had one lover who I did this with, but it didn’t really work well because I bought a double-ended dildo that was specifically designed to be worn with one end inserted into your pussy that would stimulate your g-spot while you fucked your parter with the larger end, and although they said it would work without a harness, it didn’t, and without the harness it just wouldn’t stay snug up inside me enough to work as intended.  So, standard dildo and harness next time.  I have a stellar leather harness that was custom made for me from JT’s Stockroom. (Oh how I love that store – and they send you tootsie pops with every order!  Sex and Candy, just like the song)
  5. Having a Violet Wand used on me – I have mo idea what it will feel like, or if I’ll even find it as sexy as I think, but it sure looks fucking hot, so I want to at least try it.violetwand

So far, that’s all I have.  I’m sure as I explore even more that something new will find it’s way into my curiosity.  As for now, just perfecting some of the things I’ve already tried sounds like a grand adventure to me.

What’s on your sexual bucket list?

Flying Solo: Myths About Masturbation and Women

This summer I was on a road trip with two male friends.  We were an interesting mix, the three of us.  While I have known both of these men for relatively the same amount of time, each I have known at different depths and ways of relating.  The older of the two, Emrys, I have known for 15 years.  I was 22 turning 23 when we met, and he was 45.  We have been lovers on and off to varying degrees for all of this time.  The younger of the two, C, was around 10 years old at that same time, and is now around age 25.  I was lovers with his father for a very brief time.  Emrys is C’s father’s longtime friend.  It is this connection that led to us all knowing one another.

You can see how this would make for an interesting mix, let alone an interesting car ride.

So, as road trips often go, the conversations were many and varied, not to mention, interesting to boot.  Somehow, the conversation turned to the subject of women and masturbation.  Emrys had mentioned how he had seen videos of women masturbating, and how women get off so much more differently from men when flying solo.  Not sure what videos he watched, or where, but suffice it to say that he said that the women were very obviously not just playing with themselves, but really making love to themselves.  This was evident in the way they touched themselves, and how they took their time and didn’t rush the process towards the inevitable goal of orgasm.  This, he said, seemed to be a stark contrast to the way men masturbate.

I had to stop him there because this was such a stereotype, and I myself disproved it on most nights where I was sleeping alone.  Yes, it’s a myth that we are always these languid lovers of ourselves when masturbating.  Sometimes, we just want a quickie with ourselves too!

Yes, not all of us ladies are taking the long, drawn out approach to romancing our vulva!  Sometimes, we just want to get in and get out.  Sometimes we need “take out”, and not the full four course meal.  Occasionally this is about time, but also it’s just sometimes what we desire.  Basically men, what I am saying here is we’re not the loftier side of lovemaking when it comes to getting down with ourselves.  While some of us would like you to think we are, in reality, we’re just like you.

I like to masturbate before bed.  Right now I’m single, so I don’t share my bed with a partner on a regular nightly basis.  So, after the usual bedtime routine of teeth brushing and facial moisturizers, I climb in between my nice cool Egyptian cotton sheets, and settle in for slumber.  Crisp cool sheets feel so incredibly good on warm skin.  This is a great time for some self-lovin’ because I’m all nice and clean, naked, warm, and relaxed.  Basically, it’s a recipe for great sex all around, solo or not.  I tend to always masturbate at night because it’s when I have the most free time.  If I masturbate during the day, which I occasionally do, it’s because I’m incredibly horny, and have alone time, or rather, a combination of both.

I kind of envy you men because it seems like it’s so much easier for you to get off during the day with enough privacy.  We women need to remove far more clothing to do so, and be someplace the familiar buzz of our favorite toy can’t easily be heard.  Well, that’s me at least.  I like my battery operated fun. Coming by fingers alone takes me much longer than daytime quickies in the office bathroom might allow for.  I also envy men, and other women,  that don’t need anything more than their hand to make themselves come, because my vibrator is my best friend when it comes to solo sex.  The first time I came with just the touch and strum of my fingers on my clit, and inside of my vagina, I literally called a friend in celebration!  It was midnight too.  That’s what happens when you’re horny and stuck without battery operated toys for a week.  Honestly, battery operated toys make me a lazy lover to myself, but damn, it still feels good and gets the job done in less time.  Partner sex is where I want to spend my hours, and it never requires the use of batteries. 

On some nights I like to take my time, but honestly, on most nights I want to just do it, be done, and get some sleep.  Yes, that means I want pleasure, to have an orgasm, and then to go to sleep.  On some nights when I can’t sleep, but may not have had the urge to diddle my girly bits, and I’ll end up using masturbation as a natural sleep aid.   This can either work wonders where I fall asleep instantly afterwards, or it can actually end up making me more awake than I was before I started.  I hate when I end up being more awake, but I have found now that if I repeat the process, I will fall asleep. This is just taking all of the mystery out of the self-lovin’ for you guys, isn’t it? Sorry!

Some nights the pleasure is just so delicious that I don’t want it to end, and so I will slow down and keep myself from falling over the edge too soon.  I love this because it just builds the pleasure to that much greater a height, so that when I do eventually come it’s with earth-shattering intensity.  Even then, still not the best orgasm ever.  Orgasms with partners still always seem more intense than the most profoundly pleasurable solo-gasm, to me.

I always fantasize about someone I know, and almost always someone I have already been intimate with, though what I imagine between us may or may not have ever happened.  I like to imagine threesomes with men, each of whom I have been lovers separately with, but never have together.  Nor will that threesome ever really be possible in real life, but oh, it is deliriously erotic to conjure fantasies of, despite this.  I suppose this is why we call them fantasies.  I also have some exhibitionist fantasies as well.  However, some fantasies that I imagine are really true moments that I shared with lovers; I recall and recount every salacious detail in my mind’s eye, and relive their desirous intricacies in full color mental detail.

And if I feel like it’s taking me a little too long to reach my edge, or I’m stuck on the plateau I sometimes get where I just can’t seem to feel like I’m ever going to come, then I have fantasies to combat that too.  I have certain fantasies that will instantly seem to change my inner road block, and bring me to orgasm fairly immediately.  Like you’re heard people say before, orgasm really is 90% in your head.

So there you have it men; myths, busted!